One Toe at a Time

This whole thing with Kirk is throwing me off. I was just cruising through my last semester of college, finally accepting that I'm not going to get married to someone I meet at BYUI (Which, by the way, I recognize I once said was the reason I am at BYUI, but I haven't felt that in a long time. I used to think I'd meet someone and we'd date and fall in love and get married and it would be great! But then life happened and I realized that was a silly mindset. I'm so embarrassed that I posted that.) and enjoying the warm weather when, out of freaking nowhere, Kirk popped up again. Seriously, that has thrown me off.

He and I were talking on the phone the other night and I kept saying, "You're going to have to work so hard. This is crazy. So many people think I shouldn't give you another chance. Kirk, this is going to be so hard." I was having a bit of a "WTF AM I DOING" moment. He needs to understand that I'm not going all goo-goo eyed over him like last time. I am so freaking hesitant, it's a little bit ridiculous. Part of my head is screaming, "If you're this nervous, why are you even entertaining the idea?" while the other part of my head (okay, it's more so my heart) is screaming, "You are strong enough to test this out! You have grown up since February. Allow him one more chance, just keep a hold of yourself this time." It's completely illogical to allow Kirk to have another chance. I get it, I see the stupidity behind this decision. I think that's why I keep raking him over the coals, making him understand how hesitant I am about this. Sometimes I think I'm being too harsh with him, but he kind of deserves it. He can't have decided to go for another shot at us expecting me to just allow him to walk in without any difficulty. He knows I'm not jumping into this feet first this time. Instead I'm very cautiously dipping one toe in. Slowly, right? That's the key.

I have a soft heart. I forgive too easily. I choose to see the good in people. Sometimes it's a strength, sometimes it's a weakness. In this case, I can see that Kirk has potential, but he has some major flaws that might still rule his actions.

I know what I deserve. I know I deserve better than how he's treated me in the past. I know I deserve someone who loves me and cares for me. If he can't step up to the plate, I'm not sticking around.

Time will tell. I'm not going to rush it.

Don't hate me.