Kirk texted me until 3 in the morning the other night.
I took that opportunity to tell him about several things that had bothered me about our relationship and his behavior. He said, "I am realizing now that there are a lot of things that I could have done better." No shiz, Sherlock. You're only just realizing this? I told him how I had wanted to bring these issues up earlier, but I never felt comfortable enough. I almost felt too intimidated, but now I don't feel that way. I feel as though I don't have to be subject to this intense desire to please him and keep him, so I can speak my mind. Kirk's response? "That makes me feel bad. I had no idea. When I think of intimidation, I think of a kind of fear." Yes, Kirk, I was afraid. I was afraid I would drive you away by saying what I felt was wrong with the way you treated me. That alone should have told me that the relationship wouldn't work. No one should ever have to feel that way.
After all the talking and dishing out issues, Kirk felt terrible about how he treated me and he offered to be there for me if I needed anything. He told me that if I needed anyone to talk to about anything, he would be there. I replied, "Thank you, but I have people to talk to. I'm glad we've talked, but I don't think we can really be friends."
Looking back on my response, I think that pretty much proves that talking to Kirk this time wasn't detrimental to my state of mind. I wasn't grovelling at his feet, begging for him to take me back. I stood up for myself and shut him down. We can't ever be friends. I can't ever trust Kirk the way I trust my friends. It just won't work.
For the most part I feel great that I was finally able to tell him "No, thanks." However, there was a part of me that didn't want to end it there. Here's what happened next:
"I completely understand. I wish you all the best! You are going to do great things."
"It's kind of funny, I've run out of things to say and I know we ought not continue talking, particularly after what was just said, but part of me doesn't want it to end."
"I want to respect your feelings but I feel the same way."
"You tell me what you want. Interpret that how you want and then answer accordingly"
"I want to spend time with just you and watch you smile."
"Why?"
"Because I like spending time with you."
"You'd have to convince me that this is a good idea."
"It will be just like old times and you have to admit that we did have fun together."
"We might have had fun, but we still don't have a good track record."
"I think we should look to the future but that's just me. Are you saying you don't want to spend time with me?"
"I'm saying you broke my heart and I don't want to experience that again."
"It won't happen again."
"That's what you said last time. You asked for a second chance and you blew it."
"I don't know what else to say. You want me to beg for it? lol"
"I'm just being honest. I'm putting all my hesitations out there in the open."
Am I falling for Kirk? NO. Do I think it will work? NO. Do I think he's changed? NO. Am I still giving him a chance? Maybe... We haven't talked much over the past couple of days. We talked more after that conversation, much of which was him trying to convince me that it would be worth it to give him another shot. He said he doesn't know what to say to calm my fears, but there really isn't anything he can say. If he really wants to date me he is going to have to beg and beg and beg. He'll have to do so much.
This is a terrible idea.
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