I feel like Wade is a tornado that rips through my life every couple of months, sometimes leaving destruction, sometimes narrowly missing vital parts of the town of my heart.
Seriously, I don't know why I'm still into this guy because it's completely obvious he's scared of commitment, especially when distance is involved. Things fell apart in December when we started talking about visiting and that possibility, so now that we're talking about him coming to visit again, I'm kind of scared he's going to be overcome with hesitation again and disappear. I still don't have anything to lose with him, since he's still far away and there's a bit of a disconnect between us since we're not together.
Wade and I had a bit of a conversation last night, started by a bit of texting. Ever since our conversation the other day he's been trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, which seems silly to me, since it's obvious that I'm into him and he should know that's the reason. He's put in a lot of guesses, most of them are ridiculous. This was last night's conversation:
Wade: My guess still. Maybe something with an attraction? You're attracted to me?
Me: Yes, you're correct; I'm attracted to you.
Wade: I don't really understand how though?
Me: You don't think you're an attractive fellow?
Wade: Well I mean...I'd like to think so. But I guess I don't know what it is that attracts you to me. Cause you've only met me like that one time, you know?
Me: Did you know I dated a guy long distance for nearly seven months? We saw each other for a total of four days and previously hadn't seen each other for several years. There's more to attraction than being around each other. Personalities, visual (which is limited, but you get an idea and for me, it's good enough) then when you actually get to be together you see if the attraction sticks around. For me and the other guy, being apart just made being together in person all that much better.
Wade: I didn't know that. I just think that would be really hard. I have some friends who have done that but like I guess I just don't know if I could or not. But I do get the attraction part, like when you see each other it would be all hot-like, and steamy. Now I will tell you your personality is attractive. I don't know if you know that.
Me: I hope it's attractive. :) Obviously things didn't work with him, but that's mostly because he didn't want to become active in the church. Otherwise we would have gotten married. We more or less had a date picked and everything. I'm not saying doing long distance is what you and I should do, my point is I know I'm able to care deeply for someone and be attracted to them even if we're thousands of miles apart. That's why I want to kiss you. Because I like you, even though I've only met you once. You're funny and smart and driven and all around attractive. I think being together in person would just enhance it.
Wade: Wow, I'm really sorry that didn't work. And I commend you for making the choice you did, however you did it. I can only imagine it was still hard. If we're being honest, I just don't know that I could do long distance, or that I couldn't. But I wouldn't want to cheat you by making you just think I could, you understand? Now I'm not opposed to kissing you either no matter what I've lead on. I actually think it would be pretty epic.
As you can tell, the texts started getting really long and in depth, so I figured it was time for a phone call. I haven't talked to Wade on the phone for months and months. At one point in the conversation, he even pointed out that we haven't talked for at least four or five months. I think it's been more like six months.
We talked for just about an hour. I can't even remember half of the things we talked about, I just know that it was raw and intense and honest. I don't think he's ever been so upfront with me. He admit that I scare the hell out of him because I'm not safe. I'm far away and my personality is attractive and mysterious and he's terrified that if he visits he won't want to leave. That terrifies him. But he really wants to visit and he wants to kiss me. It's silly, but my heart flopped a bit when he said, "I'll be honest, I want to kiss you. Like, a lot." First pump!
I told him how I know I have nothing to lose, but I also know how terrified he gets of change and risk, so I haven't put all my eggs in the basket. I'm a risk taker. If there's not risk involved, it's too safe and I don't really feel like it's worthwhile. I don't know how to get Wade to get on board with that, but I think he's getting there.
I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this situation makes me. I talk big talk with Wade about how I'm a big girl and I know what I'm getting myself and I can handle a little heart ache, if that's where it's going to go. But he's got me hopeful yet again.
I'm the most ridiculous person once I'm hooked. Simply put, none of the other guys compare to Wade. They might be cute and fun, but I don't have the same ease in conversation with any of them. Wade makes things so easy. I want to tell him everything, I want him to understand me and what I'm thinking and feeling.
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