Summer Lovin'

It's about time for an update.

I've had an inner debate for a week now of whether or not I'm going to post this.  But then I remembered that this the exact type of thing I started this blog for, despite having met Aaron through this blog.  It's going to be hard to write and not censor myself on his behalf, but I think I'll be able to write what I need to effectively.

Last week I invited Aaron over to watch a movie.  I was bored and didn't have any homework, and yeah, I admit that I was a little lonely.  He consented and came over, movie in tow.  The whole time we were sitting on the couch watching this movie I kept thinking to myself, "Is it too soon for something to happen here?  He's sitting close.  I find him interesting.  I don't think I'd mind if something happened."  And then something happened.

We were sitting on the couch close to one another and his feet were up on the coffee table.  my knees were pulled up, but leaning on his legs.  Aaron draped his arm over my knees and started to trace his fingertips over my legs.  You know what I'm talking about, it's that light grazing that has the ability to send shivers down your spine, no matter where you're being touched.

My memories from then until the end of the movie are a little hazy.  I don't remember how much I responded to his move, I don't remember when I leaned towards him.  I do remember that when the movie ended, there was an awkward silence and then some small talk.  We noticed it was after curfew, but I made it clear to him that I had already decided to skip my class the next day so whether or not he was going to stay was up to him.  I clearly remember thinking to myself, "Leslie, you know that if Aaron decides to stay, you're going to end up kissing him.  You know it."  When he silenced his phone and ignored his roommate's inquiries of where he was, I knew what was going to happen.

We sat in silence on the couch for a bit before he leaned his head down, touching mine.  It would only take turning my head and closing in just a couple inches in order to kiss him.  I touched his neck and his face before I just went for it, planting one on him.  Looking back, I wonder if that might have been a fatal move, since that was only the second time I'd ever been with him in person and here I was, practically jumping him. I felt ridiculous, but successful.  He's a vigorous kisser and definitely one for snuggling.  There were times when we wouldn't even be kissing, we'd just sit there and hold each other, not saying anything.  I love that.  I love being able to just be close to someone.

I was as giddy as a sixteen year old when it was time for Aaron to leave.  He gathered his things and agreed we me that this was not that night he had in mind.  I kissed him goodbye and sent him out the door.  I went to bed that night with a stupid grin on my face.

I like Aaron.  I find him interesting and funny and different.  H'es very different than any other guy I've been involved with in the past.  I have my hesitations, particularly that I don't know him that well.  I know I jumped the gun in kissing him so early, that's completely my fault.  We haven't seen each other since then and I regret going so quickly.  What I need to do is dial it back and get to know him better before doing that again.

Shiz Just Got Real

Something crazy happened to me last week.  I have Twitter for this blog, right (if you're not following me, you should follow me!)?  I have my twitter friends, sometimes I send tweets to them or have private convos or whatevs with them.  It makes me feel like a legit person instead of some completely anonymous girl writing a blog with all her love life throw up on it.  Human interaction?  Leslie is completely legitimized.  Boom.

Anyway...

I have this twitter friend, his name is Aaron.  He has been trying to get me to give him my number for awhile now.  We PM each other on twitter and exchange playful banter, I flirt a little bit more than I should with someone I don't know.  Even though he goes to BYUI, he could still be a major creep, right?  Aren't some Mormon guys able to be uber creepy?  I was wary, I admit it.  I didn't want to give him my number, tell him my real name, or hint too much at what my major might be, lest he find out who I am and blab to the ENTIRE world who writes this blog.  But the banter was so easy and fun to engage in...

Ladies and gentlemen, it's true.  I'm a sucker.  Aaron suckered me into tossing aside the mask of anonymity and indifference.  I caved and gave him my phone number, told him where I work, and told him my real name (which confused him, so he called me asking for Leslie...I got a kick out of that.)

Friday night I consented to allow him to call me, which he did, and then agreed to go walk around Porter Park so we could chat and he could get to know me face to face, rather than under the facade of the Mormon Skank.  I was terrified.  I haven't ever met someone off the internet for a date, neither have I ever allowed anyone I'm going to go on a date with to read the blog where I basically bare my soul about how I feel regarding guys and dating and marriage.  Kind of a big deal, right?  Besides, Aaron didn't know what I looked like, whether or not I'm actually a sane person or one of those crazy, psychotic girls we all know exist at this school.  Leap of faith for him, I must say.  Aaron, you ought to be commended for taking the risk you did.

He knocked on the door of my apartment and I swear, my stomach did about twenty somersaults in about 2.3 seconds, I was so nervous.  What if I disappointed?  What if he expected some girl who was taller, with longer, tanner legs?  Did my hair look okay?  What on earth would we talk about?  Would it be awkward?  My mind was going about fifty miles a minute, as was my heart.  He put me at ease immediately, though, as soon as I opened the door and introduced him to my roommate and a friend who was over.  I don't even remember their conversation, I just know that I realized how personable Aaron was and there wasn't much fear left of this being an awkward date.

Aaron was a real gentleman, and not just because he insisted that he call me up in order to properly ask me out.  He opened the car door for me and he listened to the things I had to say.  We walked around Porter Park and talked about a wide variety of things.  We ended up on a bench, talking about movies, school, the awkwardness of the situation, and he even called me out on the body language I was using, turning my body towards him and looking at him after sitting facing forward for awhile.  It was as though those awkward moments that exist in conversation between other people were put there so we could call them out, essentially making the awkward not awkward, but something to propel the conversation forward.  I'm not sure if that makes sense to you, but it does to me.  I didn't mind the awkwardness, but rather embraced it for what it was.

Aaron and I were so caught up in talking that we ended up staying out until shortly after curfew.  He got me home relatively close to curfew, remaining a gentleman all the way through walking me to my door.  We bade each other farewell with a hug and the definite possibility of doing something again sometime soon.  The whole night was refreshingly pleasant, despite the initial burst of nerves.  For the most part, I felt completely at ease. Maybe it was because I know he reads this so I didn't have to put up a front, maybe it was just that I didn't feel the need to be impressive, just normal.

I went to Matilda's after I got home even though it was super late.  I told her about how it was a good date and Aaron was nice guy and she said, "What about Wade?"  Ugh, what about Wade?  He is what he is.  He isn't here in Idaho, he hasn't committed 100% to coming to visit.  As much as I'd like to not admit it, he's totally got me wrapped around his finger and I'm still hopeful that he'll visit and that it'll work out.  But why can't I have fun while I'm here?  Why can't I have the opportunity to meet some great guys at BYUI?  No reason I can't, so I will.

Wade is an enigma.  I can't trick myself into banking everything on him.  For now, everything is up in the air, no one has any claim on anyone.  This is any man's game.

Hook, Line, and Sinker

I feel like Wade is a tornado that rips through my life every couple of months, sometimes leaving destruction, sometimes narrowly missing vital parts of the town of my heart.

Seriously, I don't know why I'm still into this guy because it's completely obvious he's scared of commitment, especially when distance is involved.  Things fell apart in December when we started talking about visiting and that possibility, so now that we're talking about him coming to visit again, I'm kind of scared he's going to be overcome with hesitation again and disappear.  I still don't have anything to lose with him, since he's still far away and there's a bit of a disconnect between us since we're not together.

Wade and I had a bit of a conversation last night, started by a bit of texting.  Ever since our conversation the other day he's been trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, which seems silly to me, since it's obvious that I'm into him and he should know that's the reason.  He's put in a lot of guesses, most of them are ridiculous.  This was last night's conversation:

Wade:  My guess still.  Maybe something with an attraction?  You're attracted to me?


Me:  Yes, you're correct; I'm attracted to you.


Wade: I don't really understand how though?


Me:  You don't think you're an attractive fellow?


Wade:  Well I mean...I'd like to think so.  But I guess I don't know what it is that attracts you to me.  Cause you've only met me like that one time, you know?


Me:  Did you know I dated a guy long distance for nearly seven months?  We saw each other for a total of four days and previously hadn't seen each other for several years.  There's more to attraction than being around each other.  Personalities, visual (which is limited, but you get an idea and for me, it's good enough) then when you actually get to be together you see if the attraction sticks around.  For me and the other guy, being apart just made being together in person all that much better.


Wade:  I didn't know that.  I just think that would be really hard.  I have some friends who have done that but like I guess I just don't know if I could or not.  But I do get the attraction part, like when you see each other it would be all hot-like, and steamy.  Now I will tell you your personality is attractive.  I don't know if you know that.


Me:  I hope it's attractive.  :)  Obviously things didn't work with him, but that's mostly because he didn't want to become active in the church.  Otherwise we would have gotten married.  We more or less had a date picked and everything.  I'm not saying doing long distance is what you and I should do, my point is I know I'm able to care deeply for someone and be attracted to them even if we're thousands of miles apart.  That's why I want to kiss you.  Because I like you, even though I've only met you once.  You're funny and smart and driven and all around attractive.  I think being together in person would just enhance it.


Wade:  Wow, I'm really sorry that didn't work.  And I commend you for making the choice you did, however you did it.  I can only imagine it was still hard.  If we're being honest, I just don't know that I could do long distance, or that I couldn't.  But I wouldn't want to cheat you by making you just think I could, you understand?  Now I'm not opposed to kissing you either no matter what I've lead on.  I actually think it would be pretty epic.


As you can tell, the texts started getting really long and in depth, so I figured it was time for a phone call.  I haven't talked to Wade on the phone for months and months.  At one point in the conversation, he even pointed out that we haven't talked for at least four or five months.  I think it's been more like six months.

We talked for just about an hour.  I can't even remember half of the things we talked about, I just know that it was raw and intense and honest.  I don't think he's ever been so upfront with me.  He admit that I scare the hell out of him because I'm not safe.  I'm far away and my personality is attractive and mysterious and he's terrified that if he visits he won't want to leave.  That terrifies him.  But he really wants to visit and he wants to kiss me.  It's silly, but my heart flopped a bit when he said, "I'll be honest, I want to kiss you.  Like, a lot."  First pump!

I told him how I know I have nothing to lose, but I also know how terrified he gets of change and risk, so I haven't put all my eggs in the basket.  I'm a risk taker.  If there's not risk involved, it's too safe and I don't really feel like it's worthwhile.  I don't know how to get Wade to get on board with that, but I think he's getting there.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this situation makes me.  I talk big talk with Wade about how I'm a big girl and I know what I'm getting myself  and I can handle a little heart ache, if that's where it's going to go.  But he's got me hopeful yet again.

I'm the most ridiculous person once I'm hooked.  Simply put, none of the other guys compare to Wade.  They might be cute and fun, but I don't have the same ease in conversation with any of them.  Wade makes things so easy.  I want to tell him everything, I want him to understand me and what I'm thinking and feeling.

Wade In

If you know anything about me by now, it's that I have a hard time letting go of certain guys.  Tyson was one of them, Wade is another.  I don't really post about Wade anymore because there's not much to say other than there's a small piece of me that can't help but get excited when a text from him pops up.  Back in January someone commented advising me to forget Wade, even though I'm in love with him.  I've never really said aloud, even to Matilda, that I'm in love with Wade, but I think there's a part of me that fell so hard for him.

Matilda is here in Rexburg and as a result, Wade is thinking of coming to visit (He's really good friends with her husband.  Also with her, but he and her hubby have a bromance of sorts.)  He's really into hiking, so he wants to go to several different states, including Idaho and Utah, to climb some routes he hasn't gone before.  Wade and I got to talking about the possibility of this visit and that resulted in a ridiculous beyond ridiculous text conversation.  Ye be warned, it goes on for quite awhile...



Wade: I must admit I like the sound of a hiking trip of that caliber. I'll have to see if I can pencil you in in between hikes ;) jkjkhaha

Me: I will hold you hostage if you don't pencil me in.

Wade: Holding me hostage would require catching me. Not to mention I don't flee like most. I climb up! Which could prove difficult catching for those who do not also hike.
Me: Oh, I have my ways. ;)

Wade: Pfffttt... try me... don't challenge me to escape, draw me in instead. I'm much easier to lure in.

Me: I'll lure you in once you're here.

Wade: See... now you know why I said pencil you in! You lure me in when I'm there? Pencil... lure me to goooooo and it gets more sharpie-esque

Me: You'll never want to leave once you get here. ;)

Me: I'm aiming for tattooed in

Wade: Pencil

Me: Tattooed. You'll see. I can be very persuasive. 

 

[Insert a few texts of banter, getting a little more serious]


Wade: I think the only place I'll need to get somewhere to stay is in Idaho. Idaho is the last stop, champ. If I'm not lured into going maybe Salt Lake is a good place to turn around. ;)

Me: You think you can't stay with me?

Wade: Doesn't the honor code apply to you?

Me: No, I'm so far above it I'll even share a bed with you and get away with it. ;)

Wade: Hahaha you're just a joker. There's no way you could pull it off. Yous be schooless before August.

Me: No, I'd just be really sneaky and do it at Matilda's house.

Wade: Hahahaha, I'm a cuddler anyways. Probably would get to you.

Me: You think I'm not aware of your being a cuddler? I enjoy a good cuddle evrey now and then, I wouldn't mind.

Wade: This rebellious side has me intrigued.

Me: I'm very persuasive.

Wade: Still in pencil though... you're gonna have to up your game.

Me: I told you, I have to save some of the mystery. Sharpie it for now and we'll tattoo it later.

Wade: Pencil first. Always.

Me: Yes, pencil for now, Sharpie tomorrow.

[Then I tried to convince him that he doesn't need to go hiking, he could just spend all his time with me, Matilda, and her husband. ]


Wade: Hahaha a hiking trip where I don't hike...doesn't really make sense yeah? Hahaha

Me: No, a hiking trip where you meander on up to Idaho for a couple days to see some dear friends. And maybe hike in Idaho is you find someone experienced to go with you.

Wade: Hahahaha um dear Leslie.... I'm planning a 10 day mancation of hiking and beard growing. There will be hiking.

Me: Fine, there will be hiking, I will allow it. But it can't be a complete mancation, that would just hurt my feelings.

Wade: What the heckk? Why not? I can't mancate?

Me: Mancations don't usually involve making out and I'll tell you now, that's definitely happening.

Wade: Wow... now you're forward. Daring. daringggggg

Me: If I leave that hanging, maybe you'll actually come to Idaho this time.

Wade: I'll move you from one of those pencils to one of those pens with the erasers.

Me: Nah, let's just go with Sharpie. You can't deny that you know making out is a definite possibility

Wade: Hahaha I'm going with BIC eraseable pen until I'm more lured in. And of course a guy would think about it but how am I supposed to know if you're down for that?

Me: Dude, the sleeping in the same bed wasn't enough of a hint for you? Good thing I have the lady balls to say it outright.

Wade: That I took as a joke. You go to BYUI...what am I supposed to think? And your lady balls. Haha I lol'd at that.

Me: What does a girl have to do to lure you into visiting her? Geeze! You make this so hard.

Wade: One...that's what she said. Two.... I didn't say you were doing a bad job. I just need more hahahahaha

Me: I don't follow all the rules. Heck, when I lived at home I spent almost every night at Aiden's house sleeping in his bed with him. I wasn't into him nor he into me, but I was still sleeping in a dude's bed. I'd probably break that rule if you came into town. Special occassion. ;)

Me: You need more than that? So pretty much you want to be told you're going to get laid. You slimeball.

Wade: Hahaha I'm always okay with some rule breaking. After hiking anyways... because I'm so tired after I hike. I usually require companionship.

Wade: What? I never said that! I hope that was you joking! You're going good but I'm just saying I've heard you make awesome treats. You've never said a word about a cooking tutorial, nothing. You know I'm no slimeball.

Me: Of course it was a joke. Don't you know me at all? If you come out to Idaho, I'll give you any kind of cooking tutorial you request. Within reason, of course.

Wade: Haha I just looked back at what that said and it did look bad. That's not what I meant when I said I require companionship.

Me: Hahaha, suuuuuuuure.

Wade: Making out, cooking, and bed cuddlin'. Wow you pulled out some weapons, miss.

Me: Gotta use the big guns for the real deal. Now if only you'd make it Sharpie....

As you can see, it was quite a playful conversation.  I won't believe that he's coming to visit until he's in Rexburg, but I can't help but hope.  I still really would like to see something happen there, I just don't know if I can deal with his flaky personality.  Meh.

Yeah, I still totally like him.
FML.

The Physical Barrier

You probably know what I'm talking about when I say that there's a type of physical barrier that must be broken down between a girl and a guy before things can progress at all.

You like a guy, he shows signs of liking you but you're still not sure.  Should you touch his arm when you laugh at his jokes?  Are you at a hug goodbye level, or just a wave and, "See you later!" type of deal?  This type of thing drives me crazy.  I hate being at the point in a relationship (or friendship) where you're walking the line of physical contact.  Someone has to break down that initial barrier and from then on things can progress just fine.

I can't tell you how many awkward situations I've been in regarding physical contact.  Remember Frank from last year?  Frank came into my life when I was desperately lonely in the wake of Tyson breaking my heart.  I was still caught up in the girl-makes-the-moves deal, so during a movie night, I took his hand.  It was awkward.  He wasn't into me.  I felt weird afterwards.  That was the moment I decided I wasn't going to throw myself at a guy, he needed to man up and make the moves.

Since then, my love life has been bland and I've been waiting for a guy who'll step up to the plate.  I go out of my way at a movie night to make sure I'll sit next to whomever I fancy at the time, I'll do little things, like lean towards him instead of the other side.  But until that initial moment of intimate contact, whether it's a pat on the leg or burying your face on his shoulder, it's awkward.

Once that contact is made, however, it's a touching free for-all.  Suddenly it's not awkward to snuggle up to someone, it's normal to sit extremely close and touch him on the arm.  His touching your knee when he's teasing you is nice, not awkward.  Everything changes when that initial physical barrier is broken down.

As much as I hate being at that awkward point in a relationship, I'd much rather have the guy make the first move.  I don't think I'm really brave enough to do that any more.

Men being Men

I've been thinking about how I want to write this blogpost and I can't seem to find a start that I'm happy with.

The short of it is this: Garrison has made a move.

It was late on Tuesday night and I was up to my eyeballs in studying for a midterm I had on Wednesday.  To be fair, it wasn't a really demanding midterm, but I take my studies seriously (after all, I'm paying for school) and I wanted to get a good grade, so I was studying hard.  Garrison sent me a text, which I didn't get for about an hour because I was so absorbed by reviewing for this exam.  When I finally glanced at my phone and noticed the text saying, "Want to watch a movie tonight?" I responded quickly that I would love to, but I was studying for a midterm.  His response was something equivalent to textual puppy dog eyes, which I can't resist. Seriously, if a guy makes puppy dog eyes at me and asks me sweetly to do something, I'm pretty much good as gone.

So despite curfew fast approaching and my midterm looming the next day, I allowed Garrison to come over and watch a movie with me on one condition: I had to be permitted to multitask and study for however long I needed to.  That was the agreement, but as soon as we put the movie in, he turned off the lights and slung his legs up on the couch, impinging on my study space.  His legs are about a mile long; there's no avoiding them when you sit on the same couch as Garrison.  The legs weren't my problem, though, I can deal with a little physical contact.  It was the lights out that was detrimental to my feeble attempt to study.

After a moment or two, it dawned on him that he had completely thrown out my condition for watching the movie, so he flipped the lights on and sat back down, legs all up in my business again, then patted me on the knee for being such a good student.  I smiled at him and gave him the whole, "Well, I'm paying for it, so I might as well try" speech and he flashed me his big, toothy smile and rubbed my knee again.

I don't know if I can adequately describe what was going on in my head at this moment.  I haven't watched a movie with a guy in quite awhile.  There's always a roommate or a friend around, it's never just two of us and never just two of us sitting in close proximity on a couch.  I still haven't decided what I think of Garrison.  His roommates don't really like him, mostly because he's got little quirks that they don't like and he likes to play video games (though he's not as much the gamer as Jake) and maybe sometimes he comes off as a little Peter Priesthoody, but I haven't noticed that.  Apparently his taste in music is horrible, but one of the first songs he played for me on our group Porter Park days was one from one of my very favorite bands!  His taste in music can't be all that bad...  I think Garrison is cute and fun, but awkward.  I don't know what his intentions are, but he's certainly taking the lead on this.

Once I finally finished reviewing everything I could possibly review, I allowed him to turn off the lights.  He flipped the switch, got on the couch, swung his feet up even more on the couch than before, causing me to be completely squished.  Then he said, "Scoot over."  I was kinda taken off guard at the command.  I mean, I was sitting here first, I'm not going to scoot over so he can take over the whole couch with his ginormously long legs.  No way, ain't gonna happen!  But, after I made space for his legs, he made space for me, lifted his arm and said, "Now come here" and then he nestled me down between him and the back of the couch with his arms around me.

My heart was pounding, my breathing was deep.  Suddenly, the movie wasn't as important as where to put my right hand.  On his stomach?  His chest?  Tucked under my chin?  I am more out of practice than I thought.  I don't know if he could tell that I couldn't really catch my breath, but eventually I settled on midway between his chest and stomach and then concentrated on getting my breathing under control.

Then the movie finished, it was two in the morning and Garrison was walking out the door, telling me he was going home to Blackfoot for the rest of the week.  He didn't even hug me goodbye.  I don't know what that means.  For someone who isn't the player type, who's a pretty good guy, to text me and ask me to watch a movie with him, practically command me to snuggle with him, and then jet from my apartment like a bat out of hell at the end?  I don't know.  I just don't know.

On a completely other note, Jake called and asked me on a date this next week.  Seriously, when it rains, it pours.  Ladies and gents, hurr we go!