Sam and I watched a movie on Saturday night. He showed up on my doorstep with a blanket and immediately I knew he had snuggling in mind. You don't go to watch a movie with someone and show off this big, soft blanket you have without ulterior motives. This was a guy with a plan.
After we got the movie (Pan's Labyrinth-one of my favorites. He hadn't seen it before and wanted to watch it) started, we sat on the couch and sort of got cozy, but we weren't snuggling. He sat extremely close to me, our arms touching, but I still wasn't really feeling like making a move or being too flirty. Keep in mind this was the third time we had ever spent any time together. I still hardly know this guy. I'm in the mood to take things slow, date around, get to know a bunch of people before I start pursuing something with a specific guy. Eventually I want a relationship, but I need to alter my approach and getting super cozy on a third hang out/date isn't what I have in mind.
One of my pet peeves is chatting during movies. Sometimes it's okay, particularly if it's a social setting and it's more about the company than the movie, but when you have a movie like Pan's Labyrinth that is pretty serious and in another language, you might want to close your mouth and watch the freaking movie. Instead of pay attention to one of my very favorite movies, Sam wanted to chat. He wanted to poke me and then marvel that I'm not ticklish. He wanted to tell me how ticklish he is, clearly inviting me to be all cute and flirty and start a tickle war. If I wanted to have social hour, we would have picked a different movie. Part of the way through the movie I nearly paused it and said, "Do you want to watch this movie or go home? Because you're clearly not acting engaged at all" It's the kind of movie I like to watch with friends and then discuss it afterwards. Kind of hard to do that when they're not watching the movie...
Towards the end of the movie, after Sam had draped the blanket over both of us (awkwardly-only the very corner of it was covering my knees. If you're going to share a blanket, share the freaking blanket) he made this super awkward move to find my hands, which was clasped in my lap under the blanket, to hold my hand. I didn't know what to do so I just...let him hold my hand. In retrospect I know this was a mistake, especially because the whole time I kept thinking, "Leslie, what are you doing? This isn't what you want. You feel neutral about this guy!" But I let him.
And then I took it a step farther and I let him push me around and snuggle with me. I felt awkward and out of place. I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to crush this poor kid's hopes and dreams. He'd put his arms around me and we'd talk and talk and he'd make comments like, "You are just so interesting!" then he'd hug me really tight and press his head against mine, "I like you so much!" Uhhh....You've known me for less than two weeks. I believe that's called infatuation.
At one point it got quiet and he said, "I shouldn't do anything stupid. Or...well...unless that stupid thing wouldn't be stupid. Should I?" I told him, "Don't do anything stupid." He repeated the statement "I shouldn't do anything stupid" a few more times. I'm pretty sure he was insinuating that he wanted to kiss me and I absolutely wasn't going to let him do that. I can't feed this guy any more encouragement.
After he left that night I felt really awful for not telling him I didn't want to hold hands or snuggle. I felt like I lead him to thinking I want to date him and the more time I spend with him, the clearer it becomes that I don't want to be anything more than friends. I talked to Aiden about it. His advice was to "open your mouth, girl! You are too scared to speak your mind." With Aiden's encouragement I ended up sending a text (I'm so ashamed I didn't have the guts to do this in person and had to resort to text) telling him that I think he's a great guy, but I'm not ready for anything more than friendship.
When it comes down to it, you can hit it off with someone, but not feel any spark. If it isn't there, you can't force it, particularly if they try and force it to be there. It simply isn't happening with Sam. It would be convenient if I did have feelings for him, since he seems to ready to jump into a relationship with me, but I won't force it. I won't pretend I feel something I don't.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
The Giddiness Factor
When I go on a date, there are several ways in which being giddy plays a part: The giddiness before, the giddiness during, and the giddiness afterwards.
The Giddiness Before
There's something about the anticipation for a date that is really great. I get really antsy and my stomach becomes full of butterflies. At least this is what happens when I'm excited for a date, when I'm anxious to see him and the possibilities. With my date with Sam I felt a little ansty, but not as much I usually feel. My friends were more excited for me to go on this date than I was, but maybe that's because I didn't know him as well as they did. I don't know what it was, but I just wasn't as jazzed as I was hoping to be.
The Giddiness During
When you're out with someone you like, sometimes you lose the ability to hold a decent conversation because you're so caught up in wanting to say the right thing. At least this is what used to happen to me. I'm not sure when I changed, but over the past year or so I've kind of decided that there's no reason for me to allow giddiness or a desire to impress hold me back. I have nothing to prove to these guys, I simply just have to be myself and that ought to be enough. If it isn't, there's another guy out there.
On my date with Sam the conversation wasn't ever lacking. We talked a lot, shared a lot about our families, and over all it was really fun. Sam is the kind of guy who knows how to put a girl at ease and treat her well. He opened ever door for me, paid for everything (with giftcards) and didn't dominate the conversation with facts about himself, but rather allowed us to both share the spotlight. It was really fun, Sam is a top notch kind of guy.
We talked a little bit about the age difference, since he's two years younger than me, but he said he respects my maturity. I'm not bothered by his age, it's not really something that factors in unless he's super immature, which is not the case with Sam. After this conversation, however, he came out with the big guns. "When was the last relationship you had? What happened? Do you want kids? How many? Do you want a career? How will that work with having kids?" Oh. My. Gosh. Really? This was our first date. Slow down, sparky!
The Giddiness After
When I returned from my date with Sam I texted a bit with a friend of mine about a date she went on that night. She said it was alright, but she just wasn't feeling it. He asked her on another date and she said yes, but she felt pretty hesitant. In my eyes, if you don't come home from a date with a grin plastered on your face, you probably shouldn't go on another date with that person. If you're feeling pretty neutral about a date, doesn't that mean that there isn't the spark that everyone wants?
I want a spark. I want someone I can't get enough of. I want someone that after a date I have trouble falling asleep because I can't stop thinking about it. Yes, I'm a romantic.
So what did I feel after my date with Sam? Really neutral. He's a great guy, he makes me laugh, and he's clearly into me. Even so, I'm just not jumping up and down. We're going to watch a movie together tonight and I hope I'm not making a mistake in spending more time with him. I don't want to lead him on but I don't want to assume that there won't be anything there. We'll see how things go for a little bit. If we don't become something more, he has potential to be a really good, solid friend.
You just can't force a spark.
The Giddiness Before
There's something about the anticipation for a date that is really great. I get really antsy and my stomach becomes full of butterflies. At least this is what happens when I'm excited for a date, when I'm anxious to see him and the possibilities. With my date with Sam I felt a little ansty, but not as much I usually feel. My friends were more excited for me to go on this date than I was, but maybe that's because I didn't know him as well as they did. I don't know what it was, but I just wasn't as jazzed as I was hoping to be.
The Giddiness During
When you're out with someone you like, sometimes you lose the ability to hold a decent conversation because you're so caught up in wanting to say the right thing. At least this is what used to happen to me. I'm not sure when I changed, but over the past year or so I've kind of decided that there's no reason for me to allow giddiness or a desire to impress hold me back. I have nothing to prove to these guys, I simply just have to be myself and that ought to be enough. If it isn't, there's another guy out there.
On my date with Sam the conversation wasn't ever lacking. We talked a lot, shared a lot about our families, and over all it was really fun. Sam is the kind of guy who knows how to put a girl at ease and treat her well. He opened ever door for me, paid for everything (with giftcards) and didn't dominate the conversation with facts about himself, but rather allowed us to both share the spotlight. It was really fun, Sam is a top notch kind of guy.
We talked a little bit about the age difference, since he's two years younger than me, but he said he respects my maturity. I'm not bothered by his age, it's not really something that factors in unless he's super immature, which is not the case with Sam. After this conversation, however, he came out with the big guns. "When was the last relationship you had? What happened? Do you want kids? How many? Do you want a career? How will that work with having kids?" Oh. My. Gosh. Really? This was our first date. Slow down, sparky!
The Giddiness After
When I returned from my date with Sam I texted a bit with a friend of mine about a date she went on that night. She said it was alright, but she just wasn't feeling it. He asked her on another date and she said yes, but she felt pretty hesitant. In my eyes, if you don't come home from a date with a grin plastered on your face, you probably shouldn't go on another date with that person. If you're feeling pretty neutral about a date, doesn't that mean that there isn't the spark that everyone wants?
I want a spark. I want someone I can't get enough of. I want someone that after a date I have trouble falling asleep because I can't stop thinking about it. Yes, I'm a romantic.
So what did I feel after my date with Sam? Really neutral. He's a great guy, he makes me laugh, and he's clearly into me. Even so, I'm just not jumping up and down. We're going to watch a movie together tonight and I hope I'm not making a mistake in spending more time with him. I don't want to lead him on but I don't want to assume that there won't be anything there. We'll see how things go for a little bit. If we don't become something more, he has potential to be a really good, solid friend.
You just can't force a spark.
Enter Sam Man
Here's how I met Sam: It was Christmas break and all was well, though slightly uneventful. My friends invited me out one night to go watch a movie or two to get into the Christmas spirit. I knew everyone there, they were all from my singles ward at home, but then Frank (remember him from forever ago?) showed up with Sam. Here is a guy who, as it turns out, goes to BYUI and served in the same mission as Frank. His family recently moved to the area and Frank decided to help him get to know some people while he was home, even though he's heading back to Rexburg in January.
We hit it off, joked around a bit, and became friends. I have to admit that dating wasn't on my radar that night; I was simply enjoying the company of sone friends. I didn't think anything of it when Sam friend requested me on Facebook a couple days later. That's what our generation does, right? We meet someone and then we Facebook friend them and stalk their page so we can learn everything we know about them.
The day after Christmas Sam popped up on my FB chat asking about my holiday (which was great, by the way). He eventually said, "My Internet is really crappy. Would you mind if we texted instead?" That sly dog.
By texting Sam meant talking ALL NIGHT. If I didn't respond to a text within ten minutes, he sent another one. He kept working things like, "you are going to make some guy very lucky one day" and "you are too cute to have not attracted a guy yet. And you have cute winks" and "1-100 what are my chances?" This kind of forwardness makes me a little uncomfortable and awkward. He's a nice guy, so I didn't want to shoot him down, but geeze Louise! Don't you think that's a little bit of overkill? Not to mention Frank let it slip to me that Sam just recently got out of a relationship. Rebound much?
He asked me out to dinner and I said yes. It's only fair to give him a chance, particularly because we do get along really well. You never know what could happenen. At this point I'm not seeking anything out, but I'm not opposed to it.
We hit it off, joked around a bit, and became friends. I have to admit that dating wasn't on my radar that night; I was simply enjoying the company of sone friends. I didn't think anything of it when Sam friend requested me on Facebook a couple days later. That's what our generation does, right? We meet someone and then we Facebook friend them and stalk their page so we can learn everything we know about them.
The day after Christmas Sam popped up on my FB chat asking about my holiday (which was great, by the way). He eventually said, "My Internet is really crappy. Would you mind if we texted instead?" That sly dog.
By texting Sam meant talking ALL NIGHT. If I didn't respond to a text within ten minutes, he sent another one. He kept working things like, "you are going to make some guy very lucky one day" and "you are too cute to have not attracted a guy yet. And you have cute winks" and "1-100 what are my chances?" This kind of forwardness makes me a little uncomfortable and awkward. He's a nice guy, so I didn't want to shoot him down, but geeze Louise! Don't you think that's a little bit of overkill? Not to mention Frank let it slip to me that Sam just recently got out of a relationship. Rebound much?
He asked me out to dinner and I said yes. It's only fair to give him a chance, particularly because we do get along really well. You never know what could happenen. At this point I'm not seeking anything out, but I'm not opposed to it.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Auld Lang Syne
New Year's Eve is approaching.
When I was a senior in high school I had this boyfriend, Peter, who was super handsome and a complete gentleman. We passed notes between classes and spent our first period class sending really cutesy glances down the row at each other. Our relationship was fairly brief, but it was for the best, since he wasn't a member and my mother was really afraid I'd fall in love with him and give up the eternal marriage I had been striving for ever since I can remember.
To this day Peter is the only guy I've shared a New Year's kiss with (I don't count my New Year's make out two years ago with Daniel, since it was after midnight) and it was less than stellar. He brought a friend with him to my friend LeAnna's house and the four of us watched The Sixth Sense. Something was wrong with the TV so the movie only showed up in shades of red (creepy, considering the movie and the significance of red) so the four of us paired off, myself and Peter, LeAnna and Peter's friend, then spent the entire movie making out insead of watching it.
I can't say there was anything magical about that evening. Most of it wasn't even memorable so all that's left is a big huge blur of mediocre kisses and a red Bruce Willis. We probably had some cider, maybe some chocolate covered strawberries.
My most memorable New Year's Eve was spent on the strip in Las Vegas. I went with a bunch of friends, we rented one hotel room, pushed the beds together, and slept on our sides, packed onto the bed like a bunch of spooning sardines. We wandered the forum shops, ate at buffets, watched street performers, laughed at the drunken madness that surrounded us... We split off into pairs for the evening, with the intention of meeting back at Caesar's Palace for the count down. I was paired off with a guy who we knew from when he served his mission in our singles ward. Now he was off his mission and one of the gang. The kid was gorgeous. He bought us venecian masks and held my hand as we watched the Bellagio fountains dance. It was romantic, but still pretty platonic. We didn't find the rest of our group, instead we counted down together and cheered. There was no kiss at midnight, but I wasn't disappointed. It was the best New Year's Eve I've ever had.
I hope this New Year's Eve is memorable, with or without a New Year's kiss.
When I was a senior in high school I had this boyfriend, Peter, who was super handsome and a complete gentleman. We passed notes between classes and spent our first period class sending really cutesy glances down the row at each other. Our relationship was fairly brief, but it was for the best, since he wasn't a member and my mother was really afraid I'd fall in love with him and give up the eternal marriage I had been striving for ever since I can remember.
To this day Peter is the only guy I've shared a New Year's kiss with (I don't count my New Year's make out two years ago with Daniel, since it was after midnight) and it was less than stellar. He brought a friend with him to my friend LeAnna's house and the four of us watched The Sixth Sense. Something was wrong with the TV so the movie only showed up in shades of red (creepy, considering the movie and the significance of red) so the four of us paired off, myself and Peter, LeAnna and Peter's friend, then spent the entire movie making out insead of watching it.
I can't say there was anything magical about that evening. Most of it wasn't even memorable so all that's left is a big huge blur of mediocre kisses and a red Bruce Willis. We probably had some cider, maybe some chocolate covered strawberries.
My most memorable New Year's Eve was spent on the strip in Las Vegas. I went with a bunch of friends, we rented one hotel room, pushed the beds together, and slept on our sides, packed onto the bed like a bunch of spooning sardines. We wandered the forum shops, ate at buffets, watched street performers, laughed at the drunken madness that surrounded us... We split off into pairs for the evening, with the intention of meeting back at Caesar's Palace for the count down. I was paired off with a guy who we knew from when he served his mission in our singles ward. Now he was off his mission and one of the gang. The kid was gorgeous. He bought us venecian masks and held my hand as we watched the Bellagio fountains dance. It was romantic, but still pretty platonic. We didn't find the rest of our group, instead we counted down together and cheered. There was no kiss at midnight, but I wasn't disappointed. It was the best New Year's Eve I've ever had.
I hope this New Year's Eve is memorable, with or without a New Year's kiss.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Step One in Finding Love
What is the first step to finding the love of your life?
In my research on the topic, I've found a few different theories on what that big first step is such as "believe in it" or even "take a deep breath and let yourself fall in love." Although these are good ideas, I don't think either of them are the real first step in finding love. No, the first step is something that takes a lot of time, that is personal and essential. In order to fall in love with someone else, you must first learn how to love and accept yourself.
We're not talking narcissistic love, we're talking about learning how to appreciate yourself, be confident, accept that you have insecurities and move forward. Ever since Kirk and I broke up, I've been trying to appreciate myself more and realize what I deserve and what I can do on my own, without a guy there with me. Through this experience I've realized that I've spent too much time trying to allow someone else to complete me.
My parents have taught me to be independent and self sufficient. My mom did her best to enstill the idea in my head that I don't have to have a man in my life to be able to be sucessful and that getting married and having a family, although it's important, isn't my only goal in life. She taught me to find something I'm passionate about, to study it, to perfect it, to come up with a plan to make something of myself. I've been working on that and I'm proud to say that as soon as I graduate, I'll be ready to get out into the world and make myself known. I have a passion and I'm good at it. It has nothing to do with men, it has nothing to do with my love life. It's purely something I do for myself. It's so fulfilling, you have no idea. It give me drive to get through school to know that I'm spending money on, not only my education, but my future. My self worth is through the roof right now.
Something else I've learned about myself this past semester: I can do hard things. To say the Lord has thrown me a few huge stumbling blocks recently would be putting it lightly. This past semester was the most difficult semester of my entire life. If something bad was going to happen, it happened. But I made it! Not only did I make it, but I made it out on top, still smiling, loving life every day. I feel awesome about where I am now and what I've made it through. I feel better prepared for my future as an individual and my future as a wife and mother.
So while I've had some rough things thrown my way, I think I've learned to love myself a little more, to appreciate what I can do, what I love, and better understand what I deserve in life. The Lord has a funny way of working.
Love yourself a little more this Christmas season. You can't truly love someone else until you know how great you are and what you deserve. Once you see it in yourself, you can go and share what you have to give with someone who will give all they can to you.
In my research on the topic, I've found a few different theories on what that big first step is such as "believe in it" or even "take a deep breath and let yourself fall in love." Although these are good ideas, I don't think either of them are the real first step in finding love. No, the first step is something that takes a lot of time, that is personal and essential. In order to fall in love with someone else, you must first learn how to love and accept yourself.
We're not talking narcissistic love, we're talking about learning how to appreciate yourself, be confident, accept that you have insecurities and move forward. Ever since Kirk and I broke up, I've been trying to appreciate myself more and realize what I deserve and what I can do on my own, without a guy there with me. Through this experience I've realized that I've spent too much time trying to allow someone else to complete me.
My parents have taught me to be independent and self sufficient. My mom did her best to enstill the idea in my head that I don't have to have a man in my life to be able to be sucessful and that getting married and having a family, although it's important, isn't my only goal in life. She taught me to find something I'm passionate about, to study it, to perfect it, to come up with a plan to make something of myself. I've been working on that and I'm proud to say that as soon as I graduate, I'll be ready to get out into the world and make myself known. I have a passion and I'm good at it. It has nothing to do with men, it has nothing to do with my love life. It's purely something I do for myself. It's so fulfilling, you have no idea. It give me drive to get through school to know that I'm spending money on, not only my education, but my future. My self worth is through the roof right now.
Something else I've learned about myself this past semester: I can do hard things. To say the Lord has thrown me a few huge stumbling blocks recently would be putting it lightly. This past semester was the most difficult semester of my entire life. If something bad was going to happen, it happened. But I made it! Not only did I make it, but I made it out on top, still smiling, loving life every day. I feel awesome about where I am now and what I've made it through. I feel better prepared for my future as an individual and my future as a wife and mother.
So while I've had some rough things thrown my way, I think I've learned to love myself a little more, to appreciate what I can do, what I love, and better understand what I deserve in life. The Lord has a funny way of working.
Love yourself a little more this Christmas season. You can't truly love someone else until you know how great you are and what you deserve. Once you see it in yourself, you can go and share what you have to give with someone who will give all they can to you.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Absenteeism
It's nearly finals week, ya'll. I am up to my tear ducts in homework. The end of the semester is killing me. I want to lay on the floor and wimper all the the time. And never move from that spot.
Because of this I won't be blogging until the semester is over. I apologize ahead of time for the absenteeism.
I will, however, be on Twitter. I can't seem to leave that shiz alone. #addictedtoTwitter
Because of this I won't be blogging until the semester is over. I apologize ahead of time for the absenteeism.
I will, however, be on Twitter. I can't seem to leave that shiz alone. #addictedtoTwitter