Roommates

Sometimes the things my roommates (the new ones this semester, not Bethany or Sammie) say drive me crazy.

Truthfully, I haven't spent much time with them so I can't really judge them, but some of these girls come off as really stupid and fake.  It rubs me the wrong way and leaves me feeling like they're always trying to negate things I say, belittle me as a person, and always be the prettier, more knowledgeable, cooler girls.  They have no reason to try and top whatever it is I have to offer!  I'm not trying to steal their boys, I'm not trying to tell them they know nothing.  Seriously girls, step off.

I hate living with girls.  I need to get married just so I don't have to live with five other girls.

Six girls in one apartment?  Worst. Idea. Ever.  Way to go, BYU-Idaho.  Way to go.

My Lucky Shirt

I've noticed something: I've been wearing the same shirt the last three times I had a first kiss with someone.  Does this mean my chances of getting kissed by a guy for the first time is higher if I wear that same shirt?

It's probably just a weird coincidence, but it's kind of interesting.  It's not even a slutty shirt by any means.  If anything, it's kind of man-ish.  In a hot way, of course.  It accents my curves in all the right ways without showing a ton of skin.  I don't know what it is about that shirt that makes boys want to put their lips on mine. It's magic.  I will wear that shirt EVERY DAY.  Every day.

Anyway, Kirk and I talked.  We saw each other in the Crossroads the other day so we took some time to talk about things (yet again.)  Everything is still the same, we're not together.  He's got some things to figure out before we can get back together.  The likelihood of it happening, however, is quite high.  I want to see him and spend time with him.  It's a struggle to tell him that can't happen.  I've settled on just talking to him for now.  At least that little bit of Kirk will keep me going until this whole thing is behind us.

Despite how sketch the situation may sound, don't be fooled into thinking Kirk is a douche bag-tool-dick-jerk whom I need to let go of.  I'm confident that he's not any of those things and I'm confident that he cares about me.  And I'm not just being blinded by infatuation.  It's hard seeing what I see and trying to convey that through this blog in an adequate way.

He is great.

Pathetic

So...I've been a little emotional lately.  I've got some pretty wild stuff going on in my personal life already, and then the situation with Kirk is making everything worse.  I can't see to keep it together.  The past four or five days I've felt like a bomb, to which the detonator is unknown.  Anything could set me off.

While perusing Pinterest I came across this gem...

This pretty much sums up a lot of how I feel right now.  Except maybe I do have PMS.  If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that you don't want to be around me when I have PMS.  I'm not a pleasant person.  

I texted Kirk today.  I was having a really bad afternoon and I just wanted some comfort from him, not from anyone else.  I told him how I knew I was being contradictory, but that I want to be with him.  It was weak, it was stupid, it was pleady and annoying.  I read back over the text and I make myself sick.  

He hasn't responded.  I'm not sure if he's just thinking about it or ignoring it.  Either way, I'm going crazy wondering what's going on.  I'll bet he's not even analyzing it at all.  In fact, he probably forgot about the text.  And here I am, being pathetic, hanging onto my phone at all times, hoping that he'll text me and come swooping back to cradle me in his arms and hush all my worries away....

Oh. my. gosh.  

I am pathetic.

Wrapping up the Kirk story

I've already said it: I already knew what Kirk was going to decide.  The day leading up to hearing his answer I was in high spirits all day.  I found that to be rather surprising, considering I knew what lay ahead of me.  Maybe it was a defense mechanism, maybe I was just trying to get on with my life already.  Whatever it was, I was feeling good.  I said what I needed to and that was liberating.

When I told Kirk that he couldn't date me and date other girls, I felt empowered.  Not only was I sticking up for myself, but I was calling the shots.  Beka commented that sometimes you have to give an ultimatum in order to avoid being walked over and I agree 100%.  I don't think Kirk's intentions are to use and abuse me, I don't think he's doing this to be mean or to see what he can get away with.  He's the antithesis of douche bag.  I'm quiet certain he doesn't have a malicious, mean bone in his body.  He's just a confused man who needs more confirmation than other guys to know what he's doing is the right thing.  Despite how much I know about Kirk and the way he works and ticks, I know that I couldn't just stand aside and let him do what he needed while being completely okay with the situation.  So I told him what I need.

Kirk came over the other night and told me he'd thought and prayed about what I told him and he feels like he needs to date other girls.  I could tell that it was hurtful for him to realize that this was the end of the two of us, at least for now, and that he wanted me to back down and allow him to still see me.  I know that I can't allow it, even if it's just as friends.  I can't have that.  Together exclusively or not at all.  Being the one to stick to my guns on this decision, despite my heart screaming, "Give in!  Allow yourself to see him!  You know you want to!", was what made it easier for me to let him walk out that door.  I am the one in control here.

Despite all this empowerment, my heart is aching.  I want so badly to go to Kirk and beg him to change his mind.  I want him to hold me, to caress my hair, to hold my hand.  I want to send him texts or leave notes on his car.  I don't want to feel the way I feel right now.

I really just want Kirk right now.

Then I came to my senses

After Kirk left my apartment after telling me he thought we should stop being exclusive, I felt really pretty good about where things were.  I gave my sister a call to tell her what had happened, since she seems to be my go-to person these days, and she ranted and railed and made all sorts of nasty remarks about Kirk.  She made a lot of points that got me thinking, "Huh.  Maybe I made a mistake in telling him I'm okay with us being nonexclusive and dating other people.  Maybe I shouldn't allow him to continue to see me while he dates other girls."  

That night I went to bed really unsettled.  My mind was zooming around a million miles a minute and I laid in bed for hours, hoping my brain would just shut off and let me sleep.  Whatever sleep I that night wasn't good.  I spent most of the time tossing and turning, dreaming about awful fights with Kirk over whether or not his feelings for me were genuine.  As soon as I woke up I sent him a text telling him I needed to talk to him.  No response.

I sent another text, 3 hours later, saying I had a break between classes and I wanted to talk.  No response for almost two hours.  In his text he apologized for being so slow to text back and then asked what I was doing.  I told him where I was and asked if he could talk.  No response.

Half an hour later I texted again, telling him I had class soon, but I really wanted to talk to him before class so I could get something off my chest.  No response. 

Two hours later I sent yet another text telling him I really needed to talk to him, that I was getting frustrated, but I needed to talk to him that day because I couldn't take another sleepless night.  I told him my plans for the rest of the night and asked if he could make some time for me.  No response.

By this point I'm being driven mad by the fact that this is a guy who claims he still cares for me, but the day after breaking things off is utterly ignoring my pleas to talk.  Five hours after the last text, we had this conversation:

Leslie:  I get that you're busy, but I really would appreciate if you'd at least tell me you can't talk tonight.  Being ignored the day after you tell me you still care and are committed stings.

Kirk:  I'm so sorry.  I misplaced my phone today.  When are you available?  Is everything okay?  This sounds like a very serious talk.

Leslie:  I have some time in an hour.  And yes, it will be serious.

Kirk:  Did I do something wrong?

Leslie:  We'l talk later.

I. Was. Pissed.  Seriously?  It was about 14 hours after I initially texted him that he got around to a real response, acknowledging the fact that now it was my turn to want to talk about something.  I felt like an emotional time bomb all day, not just because of the Kirk thing (everything bad seems to be happening RIGHT NOW to me.  testing time?  I think so), and at this point, I was almost ready to just bursting into crying while yelling and throwing fists.  

By the time we got together, I was so anxious to just get it over with that I was nervous and my voice was unsteady from the very beginning.  I didn't actually cry, but I teared up.  Okay, maybe a few tears fell from my eyes.  As soon as that started, Kirk felt horrible and was saying, "Oh Leslie, are you crying?  Please don't cry!"  -If you ever want to evoke sympathy from a guy, start crying.  It tugs at their heartstrings.  He put his arm around me, which was awkward because I had my arms folded and was concentrating really hard on keeping my emotions in check but still telling him how I felt.  

I told Kirk that I don't want to date him if he's going to be dating other people.  I told him how unsettled about it I felt, how it didn't seem fair for us to be exclusive for months and then just not be exclusive, date other people, but still continue to see each other.  I told him how I'm coming up on a really hard couple of months and I can't deal with his wishy washiness.  I need someone who's committed to a relationship and will be there, not some guy that I really like, who claims to like me but maybe not enough to date just me, so he's going to date other girls to make sure.  That doesn't jive with me.  If he wants this time to see if he should be with other girls, he doesn't get the benefit of seeing me at the same time.  

It was hard for me to make this be the decision I was going to stick to.  I still really like Kirk and I know he likes me.  It was hard to deny myself the desire to still have those little bits of time with him, but I knew it would be better for both of us.  For me, it will reduce the stress of, "Is he on a date with a girl tonight?  Does he still like me?  Why aren't we datttiiiinnnggg!?" and all the over analyzing that would inevitably go hand in hand with the situation.  For him it will give him the opportunity to decipher between his feelings for me and how he feels about dating other girls without my presence there to mix everything up.  Also, it'll give him the opportunity to miss me.  I hope he misses me.  I hope things don't work out with his escapade to date other girls and experience that.  It may be weak of me to admit that, even after this, I still want to be with him, but I can't deny what I feel.  Kirk is wonderful and I'm still in serious like with him.  

I just realized what a tangent I got off on.  OKAY.  His reply.  Right.  

He wasn't expecting this.  He told me he felt bad that I felt this way, but he appreciated my honesty.  He assured me again and again that he still feels for me and he cares about how I feel and whether or not I'm happy.  He told me he'd have to have some time to think about what I'd said so he could process it, which I get having just come from that position.  We sat down and he rubbed my back and kissed my head.  I was feeling really awful, but he was being so tender, it made me kind of mad.  I mean, I loved it and I love that he took off his sweater and wrapped it around my shoulders, but at the same time it made it so hard to be telling him I didn't want to be with him.  He told me he'd take the rest of that night and the next morning to think it over and then we'd talk.

I hadn't really intended to give him an ultimatum, pick me or dating other girls, but that's how it ended up.  He was too nice about it, too understanding, not combative at all.  I felt like the bad guy.  Essentially I was wrecking things for both myself and for him.  He asked more than once, "So you don't want to see me at all?  We can't spend any time together?"  I tried my best to express that I want to see him and be with him, but not if he's going to be dating other girls.  I don't care if it's selfish, that's what I want.  

I left that conversation feeling relieved.  I slept soundly, if not heavily.  I knew already what his answer would be the next night, but I felt okay about everything.

Tomorrow night I'll post the final installment of this week's happenings. 

He feels, She feels

The dreaded words in a relationship:  We need to talk.  Any other variations of this also invoke the same kind of fear.  In my case the words were, "I need to talk to you about something."  

I'm the kind of girl where if ambiguity is dripping from your words, I will over analyse until the end of the earth.  The text that contained that sentence sent my mind into a frenzy, I kid you not.  Suddenly nothing in class was interesting, all I could do was wonder what Kirk wanted to talk to me about.  My imagination ranged from one extreme ("I realized I don't like you and we need to break up ASAP, you hag!") to the other ("Leslie, I can't take it any longer!  I'm in love with you and we need to get married NOW!  TO THE TEMPLE!"  And then we ride off on a white horse, because, ya know, white horses are in abundance on BYUI campus.)  When we finally did get together so Kirk could "talk to me about something" he does what he does best: beat around the bush.  This is my harsh way of saying Kirk is really good at distracting and avoiding serious conversation.  Sometimes I really appreciate this quality, sometimes I don't.  This week, not a fan.  Just tell me what SOMETHING MEANS, DANGIT!  Geeze.  

Here's his dealio:  He feels like he needs to date other girls for a bit so he can "see what it feels like" to make sure this (this being us) is something he should progress with.  He'd only felt that way for about 24 hours, but he felt like he needed to tell me asap and that we needed to cease being exclusive (ex.clu.sive adjective: Boyfriend/Girlfriend, only date one another, hold hands, kiss, get jiggy with it in a Mormony way).  Here's the kicker: He wants to still date me while he dates other girls.  His feelings for me haven't changed, he still thinks I'm wonderful and beautiful and funny and all those other awesome things Kirk knows how to say in the most flattering way.  He says he doesn't know why he's getting this impression (his word for it, not mine) but he feels like he needs to follow it.  When I heard that I thought, "Well, he still wants to spend time with me and see me.  That works, because that way I still get Kirk even though we're not exclusive!  Perfectamente!"  My thoughts have since changed, but more on that in another post.  Essentially I told him this: 

"I don't like this, it's not my ideal situation.  But I'm not the only one in this relationship, so I can't dictate things the way I want all the time.  If you feel like you need to date other girls to get confirmation that this relationship, you and me, is right or wrong, then you do that.  I can see what you mean, I understand where you're coming from.  I really don't like this, I want you to date just me, but I'll give you the time you need."

And then he and I talked and talked about all sorts of stuff, like how we met and how we really like each other.  It felt normal and comfortable and I kind of hated that he made it so ease to feel at ease after he told me he didn't want to be exclusive.  Overall, though, I felt really okay with it. 

Until the next day...but that's going to be another post.  Stay tuned!

Welcome back, BYU-Idaho!

It's finally here, Fall semester 2012.  Campus is once again overrun with lost freshman, newly returned RMs, and disgruntled juniors and seniors who have thousands of dollars of tuition, housing, and book fees...and they're still not graduated.  Okay, so I might be a little bit bitter about the outrageous cost of my books this semester, but at least I attend a university where I won't be paying off loans for the rest of my life.  Instead I get to live pay check to pay check as a penniless student for the next two years.  Since I live in Rexburg, however, the only places to spend my money would be Walmart or K-Mart (Yeah-I know about LuLu Bella and Downeast, but I'll never have the luxury of shopping there while in college) so I think my few nickles and dimes NOT going towards mountains of books and a decent apartment will be safe for the time being.

Was anyone else blown away by the display of American flags in the Smith quad today?  I loved it.  I thought it was a beautiful tribute to those who passed away on September 11th.  I felt an overwhelming sense of pride when I walked through the billowing standards.  I am an American.  I am free.  I am strong.  What a burst of pride, faith, and passion to put me through this semester...loved it.

All is quiet here, just settled into my new apartment over the weekend and since yesterday have been hit with homework like a tsunami in the East.  Kirk helped me move a bunch of my things into my apartment over the weekend then he bailed out of town (he just got in, where does he have to go so soon?) until Monday.  My roommates are beginning to think I've made him up, even though I've seen him both yesterday and today.  One of my new roomies asked, "Does he have marriage potential?  Have you dropped the L word yet?"  Yes, marriage potential, no we haven't said 'I love you.'  We're taking things slow.

Being two months into the relationship and not having said 'I love you' feels weird, yet at the same time it feels comfortable.  I don't know if I could really say that I love Kirk and know that I really, truly feel it.  I really admire him and I'm attracted to him like all get out, but I feel like love is such a huge emotion that I'm not quiet there yet with Kirk.  I'm on the way there, especially with working through all our little bumps and hardships, but I'm getting there.  I hope he is, too.

Happy new semester, everyone!

BYU-Idaho 9/11 Tribute