A whole lot of stuff

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this past weekend was terrifically hard.

Dealing with personal issues heightens my sensitivity in all departments and this weekend was full of personal, familial issues.  Without going into detail, just know that I am trying to hold my head up here in Idaho while things at home are falling apart.  I feel helpless and alone, unable to do anything but wait for news.

I.am.a.mess

On top of that, I'm confused on what it is I should be doing with those men in my life.  This past week I went on a date with Jake.  He'd been asking me forever when we'd be able to go and his persistence was getting tiresome.  I had previously consented to go on a date, so I felt it was only fair that I allow him to take me on one date before I break his poor heart and tell him I'm not interested.

When I headed over to his apartment to start the date, I didn't know what to expect.  Gentlemen, let it be known that I'm a sucker for a guy who knows how to wear cologne.  There's a fine line between too much and too little, but Jake has it down pat.  He greeted me in the parking lot with a hug and I was engulfed in one of the best smelling hugs I've ever had.  I'll be he drugged me with that, because as soon as we stepped inside I became a freaking bimbo.  He played me some music, both on the guitar and the piano, all of which was played very well.  I'm not usually one for being serenaded on a first date, but for some reason I didn't mind.

I also didn't mind when Jake decided to show me some really lame, silly magic tricks.  I felt like a thirteen year old being entertained by her crush.  I giggled and played along, being surprised when I was supposed to be.  Eventually we decided to go see a movie, preceded by grabbing something to eat somewhere.  We sat in the lobby of Taco Bell (my choice) eating dorito tacos (again, my choice.  they're marvelous) talking about serious things, like why he didn't go on a mission and what his plans for the future are.  It was a really enlightening conversation, actually.  All through dinner I kept finding myself wondering what life would be like if I opened myself up to the possibility of liking Jake and what it would be like.

We went and saw The Amazing Spiderman.  First of all, the movie was excellent.  I loved it, despite covering my face every time there was a spider on screen.  Arachnophobe's curse, I suppose.  During the movie there were several intense moments.  Jake noticed that I was a little on edge (I get that way during intense moments.  It happens.) so he leaned over, incredibly close, and whispered in my ear, "Would it be alright if I held your hand?"  I hesitated.  Aaron flashed through my mind, as did my post where I mentioned that "any attraction I once had for him has since packed it's bags and gotten the heck outta Dodge."  I'd be a hypocrite if I allowed Jake to hold my hand.  I told him no, but he noticed the hesitation.  I think he misinterpreted it as my hesitation to move too quickly.  Ummmm, no.

Sorry Jake, but dating a divorcee who didn't go on a mission isn't necessarily something I think I ought to do.  I spoke with my sister about this and mentioned to her that my patriarchal blessing specifically says I'll have the opportunity to marry "a worthy, young returned missionary" and she pointed out to me that those details aren't something that you find in every patriarchal blessing.  I'm not sure if I ought to bank so much on this that I don't even give Jake a chance, but at that same time, that blessing is a pretty big deal.

As far as Aaron goes, I don't know what is going on.  I saw him on Friday night.  I stopped by his apartment to drop off a DVD.  I felt awkward and kind of like an after though.  The guy is busy, I recognize this, but for someone who seems so willing to make out with me last weekend, there was a surprising lack of conversation this week.  If this is his idea of the beginning of a relationship, then I imagine that the actual relationship we could have would be remarkably nonexistent.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but this beginning stage of a relationship should be the time where we can't get enough of each other rather than eh, maybe we'll hang out once or twice this week and talk every four days.

I don't want to deal with any of this.

I want someone to talk to, someone to confide in, someone to hold me when all I want to do is cry.  Things are hard.  This blog and school aren't the only things going on in my life.  I want someone to be as interested in getting to know me as I am getting to know him.

Someday.