That Time I Disappeared

Do you know what it feels like to  get up early, work a twelve hour day, go home and eat dinner, collapse in bed by 8pm, only to get up early the next morning to do it all over again? It's completely exhausting. But, gladly, those days are a thing of the past. With the holidays coming to a close, I'm finally returning to normal work hours and my life won't be a cycle of work-eat-bed-repeat. Feels a little bit like being released from prison...but the paychecks have been nice. I bet they don't get those in prison.

Anyway, I know you want to know about Alex and what's going on there. Well, let me tell you! Alex and I have been seeing each other almost exclusively for about a month. As you know, it started on Thanksgiving when we sat together outside of Best Buy. We've both been busy with work, but we've made some time to see each other on our days off. He lives in Salt Lake, so it makes seeing each other often a little difficult, especially because I work early in the morning and he works in the evening, usually past when I go to bed. But we've seen each other on our days off, which seem to conveniently be on the same days. Usually I drive out there and we watch a movie, go shopping, or go out to dinner. The night generally concludes back at his mom's house (Yeah, he still lives at home. Is that a bad sign?) with the two of us spooning on the couch...which leads to us making out. Alex has some big lips, which are really nice to kiss. His style is growing on me, too.

When Alex makes the trek down to Provo to see me, which has only been twice in the month we've been seeing each other, I make him dinner and plan an activity. First we made a gingerbread house together, the next time we put together a puzzle. Well, more like Alex watched football and put together a puzzle and swatted my hands away when I tried to help or change the channel to something more interesting.

I look back on the first post I wrote about Alex and I kind of miss the giddiness and excitement I felt when he and I first started seeing each other. He texts me "Good Morning" and sends me goofy snapchats, but other than that, I feel as though all he ever has to say is, "What are you up to?"  I don't know how many times I can tell him I've just gotten off work, out of the shower, or cooked dinner. My day to day life has been really monotonous lately. Maybe it's time to start making conversations about something else? Like Christmas, maybe? Or New Year's? Hell, ask me what my favorite animal is, so long as we're not talking about what I'm doing right that second.

As you can guess, I've started to have my doubts about whether or not Alex is the one for me. I mean, if a man cannot keep my mind excited for the first month of dating, what's going to happen  five months from now? A year? Five years? Yeah, not really looking so great.

About a week before Christmas, things kind of took a dive for the two of us. I was leaving town the Sunday before Christmas and we hadn't seen each other since the previous Sunday. I asked a couple times if we'd see each other before I left and he always assured me we would. But when it came down to the last two nights I was in town, he said he was too tired to come see me.

Me: What are your plans tonight?
Alex: Work
Me: And tomorrow night, too?
Alex: 11-8 both days
Me: So...do I have to wait until after Christmas to see you?
Alex: I don't know. I don't have a day off until Christmas.
Me: I leave of Sunday. It would be really nice if you drove down after work either tonight or tomorrow. Preferably tonight because I'm going to work on Sunday before my plane leaves, so I should go to bed early tomorrow night.
Alex: Maybe. I'm donating plasma so depends on how I'm feeling. When are you gonna come up again?
Me: I can't come up there every week unless you're coming here the same amount. I want to see you, but it feels like you're not even trying to see me.
Alex: I came down last Sunday.
Me: Yeah, you've been down to see me twice. How many times have I come up there to see you? Four. It has to go both ways. You have to make an effort.
Alex: It's difficult when I get off late and you live far. By the time I get there it'll be late and you often go to bed early. I can't help this schedule of mine. It's that time of year.
Me: 8 isn't late. You could be here by 9:30 and I'd stay up late, even if I have to be at work at 3:30am. If you want this to work, you've got to make an effort. I want to see you, but I don't want to be the only one trying.
Alex: You do realize it's Christmas and I'm a manager in a retail store so all my time is invested in work, so don't act like I'm not trying. At least you're at a job you love.
Me: I know you work hard and it's a crazy time of year for you. It's crazy for me, too. But just because I love my job doesn't mean I'm not exhausted after working 12 hours every day. All I'm asking is for you to invest a little time in me. If that's too much to ask, I want to know.
Alex: Right now it's hard
Me: I don't know what I'm supposed to tell you. You can make time for the gym and donating plasma, but not to come see me this weekend before I leave. I work a 12 hour shift and I'm willing to stay up late so I can spend time with you if you come to Provo, but it's too hard for you to do that.
Alex: I work out and donate plasma in the morning... when you're at work
Me: Then come see me at night. 8 isn't that late to be working.
Alex: Yeah
Me: Yeah what?
Alex: It's not that late.
Me: Okay, well now yo know what I want/need. Ball is in your court.

That was Friday night. He went home after work and didn't try to see me. Same story Saturday. By that point I had already decided that I was done trying to make anything work with him. It sounds harsh now that I look back on it, but the guy never even asked when I was coming back. He didn't say Merry Christmas to me. He didn't try to talk to me while I was gone. I wouldn't be so harsh on him if I hadn't already told him that the key things for me in a relationship are communication, conversation, and quality time.

When I first started seeing Alex, he told me all about how well he'd treat me. He said he'd bend over backwards for me and he'd shower me in surprises like flowers and little gifts and fun nights out. He said he knew I hadn't been treated well by men in the past and he was going to change that. He was supposed to set the bar for what a man should do to express interest, but he failed. I completely understand being busy, especially around the holidays. I work at a job that thrives on holiday sales, so all my time went to work, so I understand that he has been busy. However, this is the first month we've been dating. This is the honeymoon period of a relationship. We should be spending every waking moment with each other, sacrificing sleep and sanity in order to be with each other. I haven't felt that crazy desire to be around him all the time and, as is evident by his utter lack of trying, he hasn't either. I can't start a relationship with someone when we don't start off being stupid excited about each other.

Love should be mad, wild, and passionate. If it's lacking, I don't want it.

Cheers to 2014 being around the corner! New year, new adventures, new Leslie! I promise to write more. sorry!