Fool Me Twice

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I don't know what it is about me, but I seem to have a habit of cycling through men and then recycling through them again. It happened with Daniel, it happened with Kirk, it happened with a handful of other guys from hign school. We date, things fall apart, we eventually reconnect and they want to try again, then it falls apart again. What is the deal with that? Why don't I just let things be done and move on? UGH

Remember Sam? He called me last week and said, "Hey, want to go get ice cream right now? I feel like getting ice cream" Before I knew it he was knocking on my front door and we were in his car on the way to Cold Stone. We spent some time in the car talking, catching up. We haven't talked much since the beginning of the semester, so there was quite a bit of ground to cover. It didn't take Sam long to ask, "Have you been dating much?" Well, no. Stop talking to me about dating, this is weird. But no, he wanted to talk about it for a while. He wanted to know what my attitude towards dating currently is, he wanted to tell me about how immature all the girls he's taken out are.

"I have a tendency of coming on too strong." He said. I assured him that yes, he does. That's what drove me away from him in the first place. Second date and he was acting like we were a couple, not even bothering to DTR or get to know me. What happened to the thrill of the chase? Sam is not one who chases girls.

I had a lot of fun going out to ice cream with him. He has a sense of humor that's really playful and fun. I kept telling myself, "You're having a lot of fun, Leslie. You like spending time with Sam, the romance will come with time."

On the ride home while sitting at a stoplight he looked over at me and said, "We should go out again." I nodded and said, "Yes, we should go out again. I've had a lot of fun." "We should go out like six more times." He grinned and laughed, delighted like a child. According to Sam I have a personality that requires a lot of preplanning because I "don't put up with any bullsh*t." I don't know if that's entirely accurate, but if I'm not feeling something, I don't stick around.

After saying we should go out again and proposing six dates, I told him we'd just take it slow and see what happens. He said, "What are you thinking about?" I was honest: nothing. In that moment, my mind was blank. "Nothing?" He said, "You're not feeling giddy? You arne't full of butterflies at the thought of six more dates?" He laughed and I got awkward. No butterflies, no giddiness. All I felt was awkward and pressed upon. He was asking questions that I didn't have satisfying answers to and it wasn't any fault of mine. I simply cannot feel romantic about Sam. He's funny and enjoyable to be around (when he's not talking about dating) but I'm just not attracted to him on a level more than a friend. But I wasn't ready to accept that as reality.

The next night I invited Sam over to watch a movie, during which he wanted to snuggle. I let him lean on me, but I tried not to be overly snuggly with him. At one point I got something from my room and then when I came back he was sitting in my seat. He made me sit next to him and lean onto him, his arm around me. I could tell he wanted to hold my hand, but I kept my hands folded across my chest. I don't want a guy to think he's won me over after just one date. He has to do some work. I wanted him to respect me enough to wait, to let me show him I'm into him. I can't just make up my mind after 24 hours that I'm madly in love with someone, especially if I don't even feel any level of giddiness. I wrote about it before with Sam and it's just as true now as it was then: you can't force a spark.

Sorry, Sam. It's just not happening.

I've got to stop revisiting the past.