Taming the Beast

While driving me home earlier this week, Kirk looked over at me and said, "I'm leaving for Utah this weekend." He paused, waiting for my response. He looked as though he was afraid I was going to be mad. I felt a little bit sad, considering it's a long weekend and I was hoping we'd be able to spent some time together, but I tried to no let it show. He has family that lives overseas and they flew to Utah for the weekend for a visit. Kirk is very family oriented and he's talked a lot about these relatives and how he hasn't seen them in years. I'm happy that he's getting to go see them and spend time, but I'm a little jealous.

Kirk left town on Valentine's Day. Since we're not a couple, no romantic gesture was made on either part. We haven't really talked at all since that night earlier this week. At first is freaked me out and I felt panic creep back into my mind. "What if he's over this? What if he really doesn't want a second chance? What if he leaves and we never talk again? I'm going to fall apart. I'm going to lose it again! I'm so stupid!" I allowed this feeling to dictate my actions and I sent him a text telling him, essentially, that I was losing it. A couple hours later (with no text from Kirk) it dawned on me just how stupid I was acting. I apologized and told him to disgregard everything. I told him I was pushing too much, reading into everything, getting in my head. 

I'm ashamed. I don't like that I allow those moments of fear to rule my mind and my actions. No matter what is going on with Kirk and whether or not he really wants something real, I only have control over myself and my actions. Last Fall I allowed my actions to be dictated by the fear and desperation I felt and, ultimately, I think that did more harm than good. The opposite of faith is fear. The two cannot coexist, it's either one or the other. When I sent that text to Kirk, I made room for the fear. I cannot do that.

Faith is what's going to get me through this, whether it's the faith that this is going to work with Kirk or the faith to know that I'm strong enough to come out okay on the other end if this doesn't work out. 

This weekend is a detox weekend. I know I need time to clear my head about what's going on and see the big picture, so I'm sure Kirk needs to do the same. He's with family and, even at the beginning of last Summer when things were really good with us, he has never been communicative when he's with family. He puts his all into his family. It's one of the things I admire most about him. So while the next few days go on and both Kirk and I don't speak to each other, we'll have time to think about things. 

I won't let the fear creep back in.