Fallout

The bomb was detonated. Kirk's asking for a second chance sent a mushroom cloud of confusion up in my brain. If I were to perpetuate this analogy of a nuclear bomb, I'd go on to say how the result of this request left devastation and destruction for miles, emotionally thrashing me. However, that's not the case. Rather than feeling destroyed, I feel new.

I mentioned that I'm in a different place emotionally than I was at any time last year, before or after Kirk 1.0. I'd go into detail on how this change came about, but it's really not something I want to share on this blog. Let's just say that some things happened at the end of last year that changed my life forever. Some of the repurcussions are good, some are bad, some are heavy as hell. Altogether this life change has made me take a step back and reevaluate myself, my goals in education and a career, my desire to get married. Everything has changed since Kirk and I parted ways last year.

Kirk's asking for a second chance comes as a huge surprise. It's not something that was on my radar, it's not something I'd even fantasized about because I convinced myself this wasn't even a possibility. Kirk and I talking again? Kirk actually asking specifically for a second chance? This is only the kind of thing that happens in the movies. Girls like me don't get guys coming back into their life apologizing for their jerk behavior, asking for a second chance, saying they think it would be worth it. 

As much as I can say this kind of thrills me, I have a heightened sense of caution. For one, this isn't something Kirk has been thinking about. He saw me last week and all of the sudden he thinks a second chance would be worth it. Another thing, how do I know he's changed and is up for the work this would take? How do I know if this really would be worth it? How do I calm the fear I have that this will just end again with myself losing everything? There's so much at risk. 

I've talked with my sister at length. I've talked with Sammie, Bethany, Aiden, and even Isaac about it. If this is something I'm even going to consider, I'm not going to rely on my own judgement to know how to approach this. I need other people to back me up, to talk me down, to help me keep a level head and make Kirk work so hard to prove that he's up for this. 

I'm going to do it. I'm going to give him a second chance, but I'm commiting here and now to keep myself in check. The first time around Kirk and I kissed a lot. He's a really good kisser, we have really good chemistry. This time around I have to not kiss him, at least for awhile. He's got to earn it. I have to have enough respect for myself to say that if this is going to be about something more than just a few good (great) makeouts, he's got to prove it to me. 

I'm scared out of my mind. 

I'm optimistic.