DTRs and Formal Dates

I had a very interesting, very lengthy conversation with a friend last night.  He came to me with some lady issues and oh my, the discussion that ensued.  I was beyond frustration with this kid.

He told me he's into one of my roommates.  I don't blame him, she's gorgeous and so fun to be around.  He wants to get to know her, but claims that he doesn't want to take her on a date.  He wants to see if she'll hang out or go on a walk.  Basically he wants to be lazy and go on a date without actually having to put forth effort.  He wants to be lazy and not step up to the plate.  Why not take the girl on a date?  Because "dating is like dumpster diving."  How is this?  He doesn't want the formality of a date just like I don't want to go dumpster diving.  It makes very little sense to me.

How is this a problem for my friend?  You see, girls need to be wooed.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but there comes a point in the friendship between a guy and a girl when it's either going to go towards the friendzone or a relationship.  If a guy insists on just 'hanging out' instead of putting forth the effort to make it a little bit more, the girl is going to interpret that as friendzoning.  If a guy decides to actually put forth the effort ad asks the girl on a date, most likely she's going to be giddy and excited and realize there's potential for something more.  Guys-This doesn't mean you have to make some grand plan, call the girl, and specify that it's a date, just make sure she knows that you're setting aside time to spend with just her.  Girls love that cheesy, romantic stuff.  Don't underestimate the power of a formal date.

After a long time of talking with him, I figured out that this festering crush isn't even his problem, it's just one of his distractions from his real problem.  He wants to date this girl that he's super into and he knows she's into him.  He's a handsome, cocky, young fellow with a go-getter attitude.  Shouldn't be hard, right?  Wrong.  He wants to complicate things by not wanting to "put all his eggs in one basket."  He'll deny it if you ask him, but he's terrified of rejection.  He knows this girl likes him and he really, really likes her, but he doesn't want to commit because he doesn't want to be played.

Boys.  There is a simple fix for this fear of being played: DTR.  Define The Relationship.  Yes, I know it's easier to just avoid defining the relationship all together and just allow things to take their natural course.  It's nice to not have to worry about the pressure, but sometimes it's necessary.  In my friend's case, he's scared that this girl will play him by dating other guys while still occasionally hanging out with and kissing him.  It's a legitimate fear, considering that girls and guys alike at BYUI are often under the impression that if you haven't had a DTR, you're not exclusive and therefore don't owe your commitment to anyone.  If he doesn't want to have that fear, he needs to step it up and make sure she knows he wants her to be  just his.  Sad that we've come to this, but that's why DTRs are so important.  It makes it clear that the two people want to be with just each other, dating others isn't an option.

If my friend says to this girl, "I  really like you.  I want to date you and only you."  She'll get the picture and she'll either choose to commit and be his girlfriend or she'll peace out and allow him to move on and not waste his time.  There will be those girls (and guys) who'll say, "Oh, I don't know what we are, but I like it, so let's just keep it this way for now."  I don't think people ought to get away with this.  This is a cop out, allowing them to sit in the zone of no commitment while still getting the benefits of a relationship, yet often times they still think it's okay to go out with other people.  The "I don't know" stage shouldn't even exist.

Moral of the conversation?  Step up and do the old fashioned thing.  Our society is so hung up on how not to date properly but still want a traditional dating relationship and it's driving me crazy.

• Read Dating Vs Hanging Out
• Have a DTR
• Don't take "I don't know" for an answer
• Remember:  It's sad but true, just because someone is kissing you doesn't mean they're dating you.  Don't be fooled by that false security.