Be inspired.
My Favorite is "Let Be, Let Go, Let See, Let Flow"
Be your best self
C.S. Lewis knows what's up
Wade. Yeah...
Always, always, always pray.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Haven't Had Enough
Do you have a roommate who you just want to punch every time they're near you? That's Bianca for me. I've been like a pressure cooker, just waiting to explode. I'm way beyond done with her. Seriously.
This girl is ridiculous. I don't know how she doesn't realize how much she bugs each and everyone one of her roommates. Isaac was talking to me the other day and he said, "Is it bad that I take pleasure in shutting Bianca down? Because I kind of feel bad enjoying it so much..." No, Isaac, it's not bad. It's great.
One night we had a couple guys over watching Hot Rod and she was sitting smack dab in the middle of the couch, making sure she sat by them. Each of them. Actually, on top of them. Literally, there will be a whole empty couch and she will sit ON TOP of whatever guy is sitting on it. Isaac was one of the guys, but he sat on a different couch and she still got him. It's ridiculous. It's all I can do to be in the same room as her, boys present or not. I really, really, really can't stand that biz. CANNOT.STAND.HER.
Anyway, Bianca aside...I can't let Wade go. I don't know why, I just can't. We talked the other day out of the blue about us and why it sucks so bad to be in this position. About two weeks ago I sent him a message that said, "I owe you an apology. I didn't mean to leave you with the impression that I'm here pining away, unable to live with just friendship. I'm okay with being just friends, it just stung a little that you made it look so easy to move on." Well, I didn't hear from him for over a week. At that point, I was irritated, but I felt alright and didn't feel the desire to chase after him.
He finally responded to me saying, "I owe you an apology now too. You apologized the other day and I guess I was just frustrated with the whole situation. We both were I'd say. But I'm sorry that I kind of have the tendency to shut down. I don't know why, but it's frustrating to not only you but me as well. I feel like I've left you in the dark and for that I'm sorry.But really, I just don't have a good explanation other than I suck at figuring these out."
We talked about our situation for awhile and I told him that I haven't completely given up on him, that I still really care about him and want it to work. He knows the ball is in his court. I don't know what will happen, but at least we're talking again. We've talked every day since then and things feel really good, but not the way it was.
Why am I so into this guy who's leading me around in circles?
This girl is ridiculous. I don't know how she doesn't realize how much she bugs each and everyone one of her roommates. Isaac was talking to me the other day and he said, "Is it bad that I take pleasure in shutting Bianca down? Because I kind of feel bad enjoying it so much..." No, Isaac, it's not bad. It's great.
One night we had a couple guys over watching Hot Rod and she was sitting smack dab in the middle of the couch, making sure she sat by them. Each of them. Actually, on top of them. Literally, there will be a whole empty couch and she will sit ON TOP of whatever guy is sitting on it. Isaac was one of the guys, but he sat on a different couch and she still got him. It's ridiculous. It's all I can do to be in the same room as her, boys present or not. I really, really, really can't stand that biz. CANNOT.STAND.HER.
Anyway, Bianca aside...I can't let Wade go. I don't know why, I just can't. We talked the other day out of the blue about us and why it sucks so bad to be in this position. About two weeks ago I sent him a message that said, "I owe you an apology. I didn't mean to leave you with the impression that I'm here pining away, unable to live with just friendship. I'm okay with being just friends, it just stung a little that you made it look so easy to move on." Well, I didn't hear from him for over a week. At that point, I was irritated, but I felt alright and didn't feel the desire to chase after him.
He finally responded to me saying, "I owe you an apology now too. You apologized the other day and I guess I was just frustrated with the whole situation. We both were I'd say. But I'm sorry that I kind of have the tendency to shut down. I don't know why, but it's frustrating to not only you but me as well. I feel like I've left you in the dark and for that I'm sorry.But really, I just don't have a good explanation other than I suck at figuring these out."
We talked about our situation for awhile and I told him that I haven't completely given up on him, that I still really care about him and want it to work. He knows the ball is in his court. I don't know what will happen, but at least we're talking again. We've talked every day since then and things feel really good, but not the way it was.
Why am I so into this guy who's leading me around in circles?
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Catch Me If You Can
I've been busy. Like, really busy. If it's not school, it's family. If it's not family, its social.
Somewhere in all the mess of things I have to get done, I've found myself blessed with small and simple things. For example, last week I was sitting in sacrament meeting listening to the speakers while playing words with friends on my phone (am I the only one who finds it easier to listen while doing something else?) when I got a text from an unknown 208 number that said, "Nathan said you would entertain me during Sunday school." Right then I made a mental note to bake cookies or something for Nathan because that was most definitely a text from Eli. Day made? Just about. We talked briefly about church and callings before I went home and crashed. This past week I've texted with Eli a bit, turning up the flirting. It's a good start. It's not the biggest breakthrough I've had, but it's something to begin laying a solid foundation.
About a week and a half ago there was an incident with Wade where he started talking to me then up and disappeared mid conversation. I called him out on doing that all the time. I'm worth more than that, you know? I don't think that, especially after the kind of friendship we built, I should be treated like any friend that can be ditched out on whenever he feels like it. I think that's the number one thing that bugs me about the situation with him. I don't think about him pretty much at all anymore. I don't feel like I need his affection or attention, but I damn well deserve some respect as a woman he once cared for and claims he still has feelings for.
Nothing he says about the situation makes sense. He said, "I thought you were okay with being friends," which is true, I just though friends meant a little more to him than just having conversations about a TV show or a band he likes. He got me to a point where I opened up to him about a lot of the hurt I felt when Tyson crushed me (almost a year ago to the day, by the way) but now he acts like that level of talking is above our level of friendship. In trying to convey that, I think he thought that I was trying to figure out why we won't work as a couple. He started talking about the distance and how he can't do it. He said, "What do you want me to do? What can I do to make this better? How can I make this work?"
I don't want to date Wade. I've seen what a disaster and confused wreck he is when it comes to distance. I've seen how he's indecisive and unwilling to commit to something serious. So no, I'm not looking for a boyfriend out of him. I do, however, think I deserve more than a text every ten days.
Time for a man, not a boy.
Somewhere in all the mess of things I have to get done, I've found myself blessed with small and simple things. For example, last week I was sitting in sacrament meeting listening to the speakers while playing words with friends on my phone (am I the only one who finds it easier to listen while doing something else?) when I got a text from an unknown 208 number that said, "Nathan said you would entertain me during Sunday school." Right then I made a mental note to bake cookies or something for Nathan because that was most definitely a text from Eli. Day made? Just about. We talked briefly about church and callings before I went home and crashed. This past week I've texted with Eli a bit, turning up the flirting. It's a good start. It's not the biggest breakthrough I've had, but it's something to begin laying a solid foundation.
About a week and a half ago there was an incident with Wade where he started talking to me then up and disappeared mid conversation. I called him out on doing that all the time. I'm worth more than that, you know? I don't think that, especially after the kind of friendship we built, I should be treated like any friend that can be ditched out on whenever he feels like it. I think that's the number one thing that bugs me about the situation with him. I don't think about him pretty much at all anymore. I don't feel like I need his affection or attention, but I damn well deserve some respect as a woman he once cared for and claims he still has feelings for.
Nothing he says about the situation makes sense. He said, "I thought you were okay with being friends," which is true, I just though friends meant a little more to him than just having conversations about a TV show or a band he likes. He got me to a point where I opened up to him about a lot of the hurt I felt when Tyson crushed me (almost a year ago to the day, by the way) but now he acts like that level of talking is above our level of friendship. In trying to convey that, I think he thought that I was trying to figure out why we won't work as a couple. He started talking about the distance and how he can't do it. He said, "What do you want me to do? What can I do to make this better? How can I make this work?"
I don't want to date Wade. I've seen what a disaster and confused wreck he is when it comes to distance. I've seen how he's indecisive and unwilling to commit to something serious. So no, I'm not looking for a boyfriend out of him. I do, however, think I deserve more than a text every ten days.
Time for a man, not a boy.
This is Tom Hardy, in honor of This Means War, which I saw this week.
What a babe.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Foot in the door
I went to a party over the weekend and Eli happened to be there. Nothing really happened (Bianca was there and we know what that means) but we spent more time talking that night than we ever had previously. We even sat next to each other during a movie, super close, arms overlapping.
It's not much of a story, I'm fully aware. However, I feel like this is good for me. I'm getting into a groove where I'm starting to see more of my old self, and I'm gaining confidence with guys. Seeing Eli more and more is helping me become more comfortable with him and I'm getting to know how to joke around and make him smile.
I'm feeling good.
Work it.
It's not much of a story, I'm fully aware. However, I feel like this is good for me. I'm getting into a groove where I'm starting to see more of my old self, and I'm gaining confidence with guys. Seeing Eli more and more is helping me become more comfortable with him and I'm getting to know how to joke around and make him smile.
I'm feeling good.
Work it.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Almost a breakthrough
Now that Aiden and I are speaking again, I've been spending more time at his apartment. Consequently, I've seen Eli a lot more and he seems to be getting comfortable with me. When it's nearly curfew and I'm heading out the door, he looks at me with his big puppy dog eyes and says, "You're leaving?" and then he takes my hand and holds it (somewhat awkwardly) for a moment before saying goodbye. It's utterly adorable.
Aiden's other roommate Nathan is a pretty good friend of mine and he is just the sweetest guy. He's a premie and probably the most innocent, kind boy ever. He's the kind of guy that I want to just wrap up and put in my pocket. Seriously, Nathan is awesome. He's decided to put in a good word with Eli for me, since Aiden is too big of a douche to help a girl out. Tonight the two of them (Nathan and Eli) were in dire need of dates and Eli asked me what me and my roommates were doing. Unfortunately by the time I told him we were free and more than willing to join them, Nathan had already called a couple girls and set Eli up with a friend of his. However, I'm hopeful for the future. Eli is the perfect balance of spiritual and relaxed.
Aiden's other roommate Nathan is a pretty good friend of mine and he is just the sweetest guy. He's a premie and probably the most innocent, kind boy ever. He's the kind of guy that I want to just wrap up and put in my pocket. Seriously, Nathan is awesome. He's decided to put in a good word with Eli for me, since Aiden is too big of a douche to help a girl out. Tonight the two of them (Nathan and Eli) were in dire need of dates and Eli asked me what me and my roommates were doing. Unfortunately by the time I told him we were free and more than willing to join them, Nathan had already called a couple girls and set Eli up with a friend of his. However, I'm hopeful for the future. Eli is the perfect balance of spiritual and relaxed.
Monday, February 6, 2012
The girl that left
I'm not sure what it is, but I feel as though this past weekend has been pivotal. I didn't do anything wildly spectacular, I just went to a Super Bowl party and visited with some friends up at the Ridge. However, I felt something click. Sometime during the weekend I got my confidence back, at least to some degree.
I was hanging out with a huge group of people, just walking around talking with the people I knew, flirting like crazy with Isaac and his roommates, teasing some friends of mine, when I realized that I haven't held myself quite that high for about a year now. We're coming up on the year anniversary of when Tyson crushed me, which was when I became introverted and untrusting. But now I'm starting to see that girl again and I couldn't be happier.
Prepare yourselves. This is gonna be good.
I was hanging out with a huge group of people, just walking around talking with the people I knew, flirting like crazy with Isaac and his roommates, teasing some friends of mine, when I realized that I haven't held myself quite that high for about a year now. We're coming up on the year anniversary of when Tyson crushed me, which was when I became introverted and untrusting. But now I'm starting to see that girl again and I couldn't be happier.
Prepare yourselves. This is gonna be good.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
This vs That
This blog is way public. In fact, I sometimes go on Twitter or search through the blogosphere in order to find more people to follow/entice to read my blog. There's something about having an anonymous outlet on which I can write honestly about my thoughts and feelings, without having to filter them because of the people I know who are going to read them. It's freeing.
We live in a world where everyone has access to everything, so a person isn't necessarily a mystery to anyone, since everything is posted on the web.
I just went through my facebook and made sure that everything was under lockdown. You can't see anything about me without being my friend. I don't add people that I don't know in person. I routinely filter through my friends and delete people that I haven't talked to or seen in years. I'm generally pretty private.
It's interesting to me to see the differences between my having a facebook and my having this blog. On one hand, I'm waving all my dirty laundry, negative thoughts, hopes and dreams, out into the internet world for you, people whom I've never met, to read and take part in. On the other hand, I'm active in my facebooking, but at the same time, I try to limit who has access to that.
Sometimes I believe that when I'm here, writing these blogposts, I am more myself as Leslie than when I'm not using an assumed name around the people I know. So much of what I do has to deal with putting up fronts, holding back what I truly want to say, pretending to be friends with people. That's not to say that I'm not a genuine person who doesn't care about people, but when you interact with people, sometimes you bury parts of yourself in order to let them shine, avoid drama, or just avoid being annoying.
This here, these posts from Leslie, are the truest me I can be.
Thanks for reading my blog. Sincerely, I appreciate it.
Side note: The problem with guys inviting girls over for a movie night is they feel the need to invite all the girls they know, and no guys. I went to a movie night earlier this week that ended up with three times as many girls as there were guys. I enjoy movie nights and the opportunity to maybe cuddle (or at the very least, sit close to a guy), but when there are ten other girls and three guys, I'm not likely to want to attend another one. Just sayin'.
We live in a world where everyone has access to everything, so a person isn't necessarily a mystery to anyone, since everything is posted on the web.
I just went through my facebook and made sure that everything was under lockdown. You can't see anything about me without being my friend. I don't add people that I don't know in person. I routinely filter through my friends and delete people that I haven't talked to or seen in years. I'm generally pretty private.
It's interesting to me to see the differences between my having a facebook and my having this blog. On one hand, I'm waving all my dirty laundry, negative thoughts, hopes and dreams, out into the internet world for you, people whom I've never met, to read and take part in. On the other hand, I'm active in my facebooking, but at the same time, I try to limit who has access to that.
Sometimes I believe that when I'm here, writing these blogposts, I am more myself as Leslie than when I'm not using an assumed name around the people I know. So much of what I do has to deal with putting up fronts, holding back what I truly want to say, pretending to be friends with people. That's not to say that I'm not a genuine person who doesn't care about people, but when you interact with people, sometimes you bury parts of yourself in order to let them shine, avoid drama, or just avoid being annoying.
This here, these posts from Leslie, are the truest me I can be.
Thanks for reading my blog. Sincerely, I appreciate it.
Side note: The problem with guys inviting girls over for a movie night is they feel the need to invite all the girls they know, and no guys. I went to a movie night earlier this week that ended up with three times as many girls as there were guys. I enjoy movie nights and the opportunity to maybe cuddle (or at the very least, sit close to a guy), but when there are ten other girls and three guys, I'm not likely to want to attend another one. Just sayin'.