What is really happening? This.

Here's how things have been between me and Kirk: the first time we got together I was cold. I made sure my body language was closed off. I hardly looked at him. I told him everything I was thinking about, all of the things that have me pause. I was finally able to be completely honest with him. Why? Because I didn't care what he had to say, I was going to stand up for myself, I wasn't going to get lost in all those mushy feelings that used to overtake me when I would see Kirk. 

I told Kirk that I would allow him another chance, even though he didn't deserve it, but I told him exactly what I needed from him. I told him what would fly and what wouldn't.  I told him I don't want to play games, I don't want to wait anymore, I'm over his sketchiness. He listened. He responded. He said he wanted to show me he cares. 

And then I went out of town. 

Do you know what has always happened when either Kirk or I left town? We'd fall apart. 

Do you know what happened when I left town? He texted me the entire weekend, practically nonstop. We had some really good conversations and it was nice to see him making an effort. And you know what? He hasn't stopped. 

I saw Kirk on Sunday when I got back in town. And by saw him, I mean we made out. Because, let's be honest, Kirk and I have always had a hard time not kissing each other. He's a FANTASTIC kisser. So...that happened. 

And again a couple days later. We spent the whole day talking and when we finally got together and started sucking face, Kirk had an asthma attack. I can't say that had ever happened to me before. We called it quits because he sounded like a broken squeaky toy his wheezing got so bad. 

Okay, so far we've got my chewing Kirk out, him making mega effort, us making out a couple times, and us talking all the time. 

Towards the end of the week I kind of wanted to clear the air between us and pick his brain a little. We went to the park to talk and I said to him, "I just want to see what you're thinking. I mean making out is really fun and I like doing that with you, but do you want to just keep doing this or do you want to develop this into something more?" 

Now you have to understand something about the way I've been approaching this thing with Kirk this time. I'm super emotionally wary. I know his deal, I know he's hurt me several times, I know this is kind of a stupid endeavor. I kind of have this attitude that nothing is going to happen and whatever does happen happens and has no potential. It's a little bit like the attitude I had when I was making out with Daniel. When I asked Kirk what he wanted, I wanted to maybe see if his attitude lined up with mine. 

His answer was this: "I want to keep doing these kinds of things. I mean, I like making out and I want to do that too, but I like talking to you and spending time with you." And then we talked about how he's going to be in Salt Lake and I'm going to be in Provo.  We talked about jobs and he told me things he was stressing about. Later that day he even told me a couple stories from the past that he hasn't ever told anyone else. It was kind of neat to see this side of him. 

I'm still cautious and I'm still emotionally wary, but I'm softening up a bit.

The End is Near

This semester is going to kill me.

Finals, cleaning, packing, graduating, moving? On top of all that I've got to enjoy the rest of my time with my friends in Rexburg and make time to see Kirk? Hahahaaa, YEAH RIGHT! I foresee a lot of sleepless nights in my future.

Kirk has been talking to me pretty much nonstop since I saw him last week. It's improvement from his previous behavior, but it still hasn't gotten me completely sold that we're going to date. He's still got a long way to go to prove to me he's worth it. It's kind of funny, but every time there's several hours of silence in our text messages I expect that to be it. For example, yesterday was the Fourth of July. I spent the day out with friends enjoying the glorious summer holiday and I didn't hear from Kirk at all. Not a peep the entire day. I was a little bummed, but I kept telling myself, "Well, this is it. This is when Kirk decides he's done and he's going to just stop."

That's the way things go. Not this time. I woke up this morning to a text from him apologizing for not texting yesterday and asking when I was available today. You guys, I can't explain how surprised I am every time those texts appear. I've gotten so used to Kirk falling off the face of the planet that I've come to expect it. It's keeping me surprised and impressed every time he doesn't fail.

It's terrible that I have these low expectations from him, but I can't help it. It's what I need to do in order to not lose myself over him this time. Yikes, it's exhausting.

In the meantime I'm enjoying summertime. A friend of mine wants to set me up on a blind date. I'm not sure I really want to go, but I probably will. The guy she wants to set me up with is a little strange, but it couldn't hurt to go on one date. I'm usually pretty open to a first date with anyone. We'll see what happens. It's slated to happen next weekend.

Three cheers for the end of the semester!

I've almost made it through college!

This song. THIS SONG. It's my jam.

Crazy Stupid Love

Let me preface this post by saying if you are going to criticize me and call me an idiot, maybe you should stop reading my blog.

I realize I'm a frustrating person to follow, probably because I'm a follow-your-heart-without-thinking type of person. But guess what? This is my blog. This isn't fiction. These stories come from my life. Yeah, I make a lot of stupid decisions, but there are some things that this blog can't adequately portray. I don't know how to make you understand the way my heart and my head clash, yet work together. I write things in a way that get  the events across and keep my voice in the writing, but I don't put everything on here. You aren't completely inside my head.

I'm sure most of you have an ex you still think about. That one previous love that has a hold on you that you can't quite explain. Yeah, they suck. Yeah, you're no longer together. Yeah, you know you're better off without them. All the same, you still miss them. Guess what? LOVE MAKES PEOPLE STUPID.

You know where this is going, right? You know this is leading back to Kirk. I know, I know. Cue the groans. You're all ready to grab torches and pitch forks and go hunt Kirk the Monster down. I get you. You're an outside party witnessing me returning time and time again to the same disaster, and you're really upset. I get that. Y'all have my back and that's great. I really appreciate that you're concerned and that you all hate Kirk.

Maybe I am an idiot. Maybe I'm in love. Maybe I'm too forgiving. Maybe I'm easily manipulated. Maybe maybe maybe. What I do know is that I'm a sucker. I KNOW. You think I drive you crazy?  have to live with myself. I drive myself crazy. All the time.

OKAY. So Kirk. WTF happened there?
I saw him on campus last weekend. He smiled and waved while I returned a look that clearly said, "DA FUH?" We were headed in different directions and he was in a hurry, so we didn't talk. But still, smile and wave? I'm pretty sure that's only okay if we're on good terms. Last time I checked he left me hanging. Again. I was irritated for a short while, but I let it go pretty quickly. I mean, come on. Why should I waste any more time thinking about Kirk? No reason. I decided before that night that I wasn't going to let him get in the way of my happiness. I pushed that encounter with him aside and set out to have a great weekend. And I did! It was fantastic. Moving on from Kirk.

HA! That lasted a whole whopping two days. Kirk just doesn't go away. He doesn't give up. Leaving it be and not worrying about it just isn't how Kirk and I work. No, Kirk texted me two days later asking to see me. I was super irritated, as you can guess, because going through this cycle with Kirk is exhausting. We made some tentative plans, but low and behold, Kirk never followed through. He explained later what had happened and that he still wanted to see me that day. Did that happen? Of course not. That would be way out of character for him.

The next day he asked to see me again. At this point I was so fed up with his flakiness and his lack of communication. Seriously? You're going to try AGAIN? I was kind of pissed. Yet, despite my expectations being at an all time low, I responded with this: "If you want to see me, it has to be today. I'm tired of being stood up."

Kirk didn't directly acknowledge what I said, but we made plans to see each other that night. He never confirmed the time, though, so I anticipated not seeing him. His MO is to make plans and then fall off the face of the planet, so you can imagine how surprised I was when I came home from a meeting to find Kirk in my living room.

To be continued...

Changes

There's something happening to the dynamics of young men and women within the church. Now that the age limit has been changed for young women going on missions, the stigma that used to be attached to the title of "sister missionary" has been demolished. Girls are choosing to go on missions rather than stay in school or find a husband. You guys, this is huge. This changes everything.

Women

What does this change mean for you? 

Like I previously said, the age change has destroyed the stigma of women going on missions. No longer are sister missionaries looked upon as having chosen to go because they couldn't get married or are "sweet spirits". Don't tell me you haven't heard those stereo types. Before the age change, a girl going on a mission wasn't really all that awesome. I mean, it was awesome, it just wasn't seen in a particularly great light. Know what I mean?

Now young women are choosing to put off school and marriage for missions. Instead of having a bunch of 20 year old young women waiting for their boyfriends, we have 21 year old young men waiting for their girlfriends. The tables are turning. Instead of being scoffed at, sister missionaries are being respected. Last Fall, not even a full semester after the announcement, there were over fifty girls in my stake alone that had submitted their mission papers. Within three weeks after the announcement thirteen girls from my ward had made appointments with the bishop to start their papers. THIS is awesome. THIS is a game changer.

Men
What does this mean for you?

The bar has been raised. Again. More RM sisters means more encouragement for young men to go on missions and come back even better men. The women you men will marry will have greater fervor for the gospel, which will require you to become spiritual giants. Together you and your future wife will raise children who will be stronger in the gospel.

Rise to the challenge, men. Be better, be stronger, be worthy of these women.

Are you guys as excited as I am about this? This is a big deal. This is essential to preparing the world for the second coming. I'm stoked.

I Cannot Be Beat

Most of you haven't agreed with how I've handled Kirk lately. I'm not doing this for you (clearly), I'm doing this for me. You know what else I've done for me? I've walked away.

At the beginning of the week Kirk told me he wanted to see me. He said, "I really want to go on a drive or a walk or something with you tomorrow. I want to see you." With something like that, I anticipated that yes, I would see him the next day. Unfortunately, homework had different plans for us. Kirk's phone died and he ended up staying on campus until nearly midnight doing homework. I stayed at home writing a paper that was due the next day. It all worked out.

But did it really? Kirk's phone died, but he didn't take the initiative to call or text when he got home to tell me sorry for bailing. He didn't try to reschedule.  For someone who has already had two chances, this is not the way to go about a third chance. I called him out on it the next morning and he apologized profusely. And that was it.

I haven't heard from Kirk since then. I'm okay with it. I'd rather him show his true colors at the beginning rather than string me along for weeks, making me think he was going to put forth the effort. I've had several experiences in the past few months that have strengthened my spirit and have helped me become more resilient. This isn't something that is going to destroy me. I'm not going to be sent into depression over Kirk again.

I haven't been beat. My ability to love and forgive and to give second and third chances is not a weakness. I don't regret giving him another chance. Nothing you can say is going to change that. Yes, Kirk has some serious flaws. It's too bad. We could have been great. I hope he can work them out and find someone to be happy with, it just won't be me.

Cheers to moving forward to a better tomorrow!

I didn't love this movie, but I like this quote

One Toe at a Time

This whole thing with Kirk is throwing me off. I was just cruising through my last semester of college, finally accepting that I'm not going to get married to someone I meet at BYUI (Which, by the way, I recognize I once said was the reason I am at BYUI, but I haven't felt that in a long time. I used to think I'd meet someone and we'd date and fall in love and get married and it would be great! But then life happened and I realized that was a silly mindset. I'm so embarrassed that I posted that.) and enjoying the warm weather when, out of freaking nowhere, Kirk popped up again. Seriously, that has thrown me off.

He and I were talking on the phone the other night and I kept saying, "You're going to have to work so hard. This is crazy. So many people think I shouldn't give you another chance. Kirk, this is going to be so hard." I was having a bit of a "WTF AM I DOING" moment. He needs to understand that I'm not going all goo-goo eyed over him like last time. I am so freaking hesitant, it's a little bit ridiculous. Part of my head is screaming, "If you're this nervous, why are you even entertaining the idea?" while the other part of my head (okay, it's more so my heart) is screaming, "You are strong enough to test this out! You have grown up since February. Allow him one more chance, just keep a hold of yourself this time." It's completely illogical to allow Kirk to have another chance. I get it, I see the stupidity behind this decision. I think that's why I keep raking him over the coals, making him understand how hesitant I am about this. Sometimes I think I'm being too harsh with him, but he kind of deserves it. He can't have decided to go for another shot at us expecting me to just allow him to walk in without any difficulty. He knows I'm not jumping into this feet first this time. Instead I'm very cautiously dipping one toe in. Slowly, right? That's the key.

I have a soft heart. I forgive too easily. I choose to see the good in people. Sometimes it's a strength, sometimes it's a weakness. In this case, I can see that Kirk has potential, but he has some major flaws that might still rule his actions.

I know what I deserve. I know I deserve better than how he's treated me in the past. I know I deserve someone who loves me and cares for me. If he can't step up to the plate, I'm not sticking around.

Time will tell. I'm not going to rush it.

Don't hate me.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Kirk texted me until 3 in the morning the other night.

I took that opportunity to tell him about several things that had bothered me about our relationship and his behavior. He said, "I am realizing now that there are a lot of things that I could have done better." No shiz, Sherlock. You're only just realizing this? I told him how I had wanted to bring these issues up earlier, but I never felt comfortable enough. I almost felt too intimidated, but now I don't feel that way. I feel as though I don't have to be subject to this intense desire to please him and keep him, so I can speak my mind. Kirk's response? "That makes me feel bad. I had no idea. When I think of intimidation, I think of a kind of fear." Yes, Kirk, I was afraid. I was afraid I would drive you away by saying what I felt was wrong with the way you treated me. That alone should have told me that the relationship wouldn't work. No one should ever have to feel that way.

After all the talking and dishing out issues, Kirk felt terrible about how he treated me and he offered to be there for me if I needed anything. He told me that if I needed anyone to talk to about anything, he would be there. I replied, "Thank you, but I have people to talk to. I'm glad we've talked, but I don't think we can really be friends."

Looking back on my response, I think that pretty much proves that talking to Kirk this time wasn't detrimental to my state of mind. I wasn't grovelling at his feet, begging for him to take me back. I stood up for myself and shut him down. We can't ever be friends. I can't ever trust Kirk the way I trust my friends. It just won't work.

For the most part I feel great that I was finally able to tell him "No, thanks." However, there was a part of me that didn't want to end it there. Here's what happened next:

"I completely understand. I wish you all the best! You are going to do great things."
"It's kind of funny, I've run out of things to say and I know we ought not continue talking, particularly after what was just said, but part of me doesn't want it to end."
"I want to respect your feelings but I feel the same way."
"You tell me what you want. Interpret that how you want and then answer accordingly"
"I want to spend time  with just you and watch you smile."
"Why?"
"Because I like spending time with you."
"You'd have to convince me that this is a good idea."
"It will be just like old times and you have to admit that we did have fun together."
"We might have had fun, but we still don't have a good track record."
"I think we should look to the future but that's just me. Are you saying you don't want to spend time with me?"
"I'm saying you broke my heart and I don't want to experience that again."
"It won't happen again."
"That's what you said last time. You asked for a second chance and you blew it."
"I don't know what else to say. You want me to beg for it? lol"
"I'm just being honest. I'm putting all my hesitations out there in the open."

Am I falling for Kirk? NO. Do I think it will work? NO. Do I think he's changed? NO. Am I still giving him a chance? Maybe... We haven't talked much over the past couple of days. We talked more after that conversation, much of which was him trying to convince me that it would be worth it to give him another shot. He said he doesn't know what to say to calm my fears, but there really isn't anything he can say. If he really wants to date me he is going to have to beg and beg and beg. He'll have to do so much.

This is a terrible idea.