Wedding Bells

I know it's been ages since I updated, and for that I apologize.

I wanted to check in and tell you guys that this Saturday is my wedding day. Colton and I are getting married and we couldn't be more thrilled! It's been a long journey in our relationship to make sure we're on the same page with marriage and to make sure we both have similar goals and aspirations. At first it frustrated me that we were taking so long to figure out the kinks and details and whether prompt we wanted to go down the marriage path, but now I am so grateful we took our time. He and I have come to know each other so well. I really can't think of anyone being a better fit for me.

I've found the love of my life and there aren't words for how excited I am to start a life and family with him. <3

My Perfect Christmas

You know how you always dream of big romantic moments happening just like in the movies, yet real life sucks and you're always let down? Weeeelllllll, sometimes things do happen like in the movies. But let me catch you up...

Colton and I are thriving. We've known each other for just about a year and we've dated nearly the entire year. This is huge for me. The last time a relationship of mine lasted longer than four months it was long distance with a liar who was in the coast guard, stationed in Alaska. Yeah, it sucked. But Colton? It's marvelous. He lives ten minutes away, he's not a liar, and he's active in the church. Three major things going for him.

The two of us have been working on getting to know each other better and communicating issues we see within the relationship. We've connected in a way that I've never experienced before. He puts me at ease in a way that I never thought I'd feel. In previous relationships I've always had a sense of anxiety over the future, like the panic about the uncertain future in the relationship was palpable. But with Colton? I feel peace. Everything feels clear. I'm confident in our future together.

Okay. Time for that perfect moment.

This Christmas I didn't get to go home and be with my family because I had to work, which sucked. Boo. But it did mean I got to spend a lot of holiday time with Colton. On Christmas Eve I went over to his house (roommates were gone for the Holidays, so the kitchen was clean (!!!) and we had the place to ourselves. I made him dinner and he made me his mom's homemade Christmas sugar cookies. We sat on the floor and exchanged gifts (we gave each other books. we're such nerds.) We curled up on the couch and watched It's a Wonderful Life and we paused it so I could facetime my family and read scriptures with them. The entire night it was snowing outside. I love the way the world gets soft and quiet when it snows. It was honestly such a perfect night, even down to when it was time for me to go home and Colton came outside and dug my car out of the snow and made me promise to drive slow and safe.

The really perfect night was Christmas day. I worked a 10 hour shift and it was busy and crazy and I was exhausted, but I really wanted to go see Colton that night. By the time I got to his place, it was dark and all my dreams of playing in the fresh Christmas snow were dashed by the desire to be snuggled up and warm. Also, cats. Colton's roommates have two really cute cats and I really wanted to play with them. Colton had The Hateful Eight cued up for us to watch (yes, we're sinners, yes he got the movie online, yes I know it's rated R and Tarantino is a gruesome director and there's a controversial scene with Samuel L Jackson in that movie, BUT I DON'T CARE. We watched it because Tarantino is my favorite and I've been waiting forever for this movie) so we got all snuggled up. Shortly into the movie he jumped up to get us hot chocolate (you know when you're watching a movie and they're drinking or eating something and you really want to drink or eat that thing too? Yeah they were drinking coffee in the movie and Colton decided he wanted hot chocolate.) It was taking him foreeeever to make the drinks, but when he finally brought over the mugs (mine was on a full sized dinner plate, like an oversized saucer. too cute.) He also brought over a plate of peeled clementine oranges and a plate of some of the sugar cookies he made the night before.

So there we were, snuggling on Christmas, sipping our hot chocolate, dunking our sugar cookies in it, and eating orange slices. It was perfect. PERFECT. Plus it was snowing again. After the movie we were snuggling and kissing a bit. He leaned over and brushed his hand on my cheek and said, "You're so beautiful" so I leaned in and kissed him. Then he said, "I love you." It was so soft, but so sincere. I know he was scared when he said it, but I honestly can't ask for a more perfect, more romantic moment. It was straight out of movie. The snow, the soft glow of Christmas lights, the man, the cats (yay cats!) I love that man. I'm so madly, deeply, peacefully in love with him.

You mark my words, there will be a wedding in 2016 and it will be mine and Colton's.

Quick Update

All you need to know: Colton and I are still together. Things are better than ever between us. Our communication is on point. Our comfort is on point. I'm so happy. We're still in no rush, so marriage is a ways away. I'm in love, though. It's real.

Colton's Proposal

Are you all wondering what has happened between me and Colton?

It has been nearly a month since the kiss. The two weeks that followed the kiss was torture. My mind was basically a war zone, attacking itself at every turn, turning small moments of quiet into gigantic, pregnant pauses. I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. Seriously, overthinking things is not healthy. I'm the queen at overthinking.

It was a week and a half later when Colton and I got together to watch a movie. I went over to his apartment and sat on the far end of the couch. I didn't want him to think I was turning that one kiss into him wanting to get back together. My mother's words kept ringing in the back of my mind "Let him come get you." Toward the end of the movie I shifted and he offered to allow me to stretch my legs out across his lap. This resulted in a foot rub. Okay, you've got to know that I do not like having my feet touched. I've never gotten a pedicure. But Colton rubbing my feet was divine. It was innocent in a way, yet it was also sensual. Yeah, we ended up making out. 

Kissing was followed by some really, really great cuddling. We were on the brink of falling asleep on the couch when I mustered up the courage to ask the question that had been eating away at me, "Colton, is this happening because you're lonely and horny, or do you really miss me?" It was silent for a moment before he sighed and said, "I miss you. I mean, I'm lonely and it does feel really nice to be close to someone, but I miss this." I started off on a rant about how I'm okay if it's just a hook up thing, but that I need to know so I can make sure that I put whatever feelings I still have for him on lock. His response was an immediate, "No no no, don't bottle up any feelings. That's not good." And then we put the conversation on pause and I went home. 

The fact that we had paused the conversation that would make or break us drove me crazy. I was desperate to finish the conversation and know what our fate is. I couldn't sleep because overthinking was all I could do. Finally on a Monday I told him we had to talk, I couldn't stand another day. He had plans after work, so we arranged a phone call instead. We started talking and he said, "Well, I've been on some dates since we broke up and they made me think about what I want in someone and what qualities are important to me. You have those qualities. I'd like to give us another try and see where it goes. If you want to, I mean."

I'm gonna pause this story here for now. Next up: the battle between my heart and my head.

Mom's Advice

My mom always told me this, "Leslie, don't chase after him. If he wants you, he'll come get you." This is advice I've tried to live by, but it's really hard. We live in a society that's trying to alter the dating scene. My mother tried to encourage me to follow a traditional approach in dating, but everywhere I hear encouragement in being an aggressive girl who goes after what she wants. Kind of confusing, right? 

The confident 21st century woman in me wants to chase the guy and get what I want. Theoretically that sounds great. Go for it. But you know what? The feminine, soft, womanly side of me wants to be pursued. Like, damn it! I want a man who will chase me. I want the kind of man my mom told me about, the kind who comes after what he wants. Where are those guys? How do we get society to encourage men to be that kind of guy?

At the beginning of the month I went to a movie with Colton. We've been to a few movies over the last month together, since both of us are cinema fanatics. We don't really talk or anything, we just meet up at the theater, watch a movie, and go our separate ways. This wasn't anything different. Nothing really happened, we just saw a movie and then said goodbye. It was kind of nice. I feel like I am finally reaching a point where I know pining after Colton is pointless. The words my mom said rang in my head, "if he wants you, he'll come get you."

The following day Colton and I ended up going swimming, mostly because I didn't have anyone else to go with and I really needed a dip in a pool. When we said goodbye, something weird happened. We hugged. Colton and I had our first physical contact since the night we broke up. It may have just been falling back into familiarity, but he leaned down and kissed me. It was a perfect, albeit a bit confusing, moment. 

Later that night he texted me and told me he kissed me because he felt like doing it. Then we said goodnight and let it be. 

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe it really is best to let the guy chase after you. If he wants you, he'll come get you.

To be continued...

Summer Lovin'

It's been just about two months since Colton and I broke up. I've been on several dates with two different guys. 

Guy 1: RM. Lives with his parents. Hilarious. Kind of goofy looking, but personality makes up for it. Really wants a relationship. Is a weird kisser. Doesn't know if he believes in the gospel anymore.

Guy 2: RM. Has a technical school degree and one year of college left. Super smart. Mega handsome. Slightly dull, but maybe that's just the surfer way he speaks, because he's good at carrying conversation and keeping things interesting. Does that make sense? Haven't kissed him. Super strong testimony.

Ugh. Why does this happen? The guy with the winning personality who puts me at ease has a super weak testimony? That's such a key element to what I want in a guy and I can't overlook it! 

I'm tired of dating. It can be fun, it can have its moments. I have enjoyed meeting these two guys, but I'm tired of playing games and finding men who don't have the qualities I'm looking for.

Colton had what I was looking for, except the confidence to be the man I want. It still smarts. No summer love for me. 

It Just Sucks

These past few months I've been living in a dream world. I've been having a really wonderful time getting to know Colton. For my birthday he took me out to dinner and then to go see Avengers: Age of Ultron. I was sick, which totally sucked, but it was still a nice night and I was so happy. 

What happened last week can't be described as anything other than a punch in the gut. Colton ended things. He came over to make dinner and watch netflix. We started out with grilling steaks and ended with us on a walk around the block, me crying and him saying he doesn't care for me as more than a friend. 

It was as though the moment I had been bracing myself for ever since Colton and I started dating had arrived. In one swift move I threw my heart up, spat in on the ground, and stomped on it repeatedly. I've been squishing it under my heel for a week now. It hurts so bad that the only words I can find are "It just sucks." There's no way around the situation. I can't take back the fact that Colton and I sat on the couch in my living room after our walk and I just cried and cried while he rubbed my back and played with my hair. It was the kind of moment where I knew I needed to tell him to stop, but I never wanted that moment to end because I knew it would be the last intimate moment between us. 

He says he wants to be friends. He says he loves talking to me, that I'm beautiful and smart and independent. He said he's tried to feel more than he does, but it isn't happening. He said he's too selfish. He says I deserve someone who wants to talk to me all the time and wants to be with me all the time and that's not him. It was the most crushing rejecting blow I've felt in a very long time. I finally have my head on straight and I know what I want, yet here it is not wanting me back.

My break up with Braden was easy. I felt relieved and happy it was over. But with Colton? I feel devastated. I feel as though my heart will shatter into a million pieces if I breathe too hard, but if I don't breathe hard I know I'm going to suffocate from sadness.  

I'll be okay, but for now I'm not okay.