My Prince Charming

I've been in a lot of crappy relationships. The guys I've dated have been jerks. I've put up with being treated poorly because, quite frankly, I didn't think I deserved better. I had become so complacent with being treated like my feelings don't matter, like I'm not good enough to be committed to, and not deserving someone who treats me like a Queen, that I actually came to believe it. I was such a mess and I wasn't looking for someone who would be my partner in all things because I didn't think a man like that existed. Friends, I was so wrong. I DO deserve someone wonderful and kind. I think I found him.

The other day I was having a TERRIBLE day. Everything was going wrong at work and everyone was making me mad. I had an all around bad attitude about everything. When I finally got off work, I got some sandwiches together, a blanket, and I got in my car to go out to Salt Lake to see Braden. I was so anxious to see him and to have this horrible day get a little better. We planned on taking his puppy to the park and having a picnic. It sounded so relaxing and fun!

The it started raining. But it wasn't just raining, it was POURING. There was thunder and lightning and I was caught in an incredible amount of traffic. I was so upset that my one bright activity for the day was ruined. When I finally got to Braden's, I was in such a foul mood. I threw my arms around him and almost started crying because I was so upset. He held me and let me vent about my frustrations. I lay down on his bed and whined about work troubles and traffic. Next thing I knew, Braden was taking my hand and pulling me up.

He had spread out a blanket on the floor. He turned on a YouTube video of outside forest noises and laid the sandwiches I brought out. He got a Diet Coke from the fridge (because he knows I'm a Diet Coke addict, so he keeps a pack in his fridge for me). He put together a picnic for me even though it was pouring rain. I cannot put my gratitude into words.

We ate sandwiches on the floor and then cuddled while we watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We snuggled and fell asleep on his bed. It felt right. Being with Braden feels right. He texts me often to tell me he misses me and how wonderful I am. We talk on the phone every day. He makes me feel worth something. He makes me feel like I could do what we're doing for the rest of my life.

Braden is sublime.

My Fairytale

Braden. Time for me to clue you into this guy and why he's got me in such a tizzy.

Braden is yet another guy I met on tinder. The thing that caught me about him, however, was that he quickly said he wanted to meet me, despite living all the way in Salt Lake. He said, "I won't mind the drive, because I already can tell you're worth it." Okay, so I'm obviously a sucker for sweet talking.

Braden and I went on our first date about a month ago. He drove down to Provo and we decided to go out and get pizza from my favorite pizza place in town. As we sat down to wait for our order I could tell he wasn't really feeling the date. He was distracted and not really paying attention to what I was saying. I felt this knot in my stomach and I was already thinking, "Great, here goes another first date where I go home and don't ever get a call back. At least I'm getting delicious pizza out of this." 

Before we got our order, I paused in what I was saying to ask if Braden was feeling alright. He confessed to me that he had a killer migraine and didn't know what to do because he couldn't focus on anything but the migraine and this was not how he wanted our first date to be. I told him it was alright and we could go to my apartment and eat instead. We went back to my place, Braden picked up some pain killers on the way, and when we got back to my place I made him put some peppermint oil on his head to ease the pain. After a little while, I could tell he started relaxing. He was eating more, smiling more, and he was truly engaged in conversation with me. It felt really nice to be sitting with someone on the floor with me (because I still don't have a couch) just talking. 

That was several weeks ago. Braden and I have seen each other more times than I can count since then. I've cooked him dinner. He bought me candles (because I love candles.) We talk on the phone for hours and we say, "Oh yeah? Yeah!" like in Fargo all the time because we watch Fargo together last week. 

Braden makes me unbelievably happy. Like, happier than anyone has ever made me before. Not Kirk, not Tyson, not anyone. I've never felt like this before. 

Braden isn't the perfect LDS guy and I have to admit that I'm not the perfect LDS girl. We both have work to do to get where we need to be in order to take this further, should that be the route this relationship goes, but we're both willing to do the work. He encourages me to be better. We encourage each other to be better. He tells me when something bothers him. He tells me how he feels about me. If he's feeling insecure, he asks me what I feel toward him. We tell each other things. It's outstanding. 

I am so in like. I am so on my way to being in love.

The Truth Comes Out

Do you want to know the real reason why I sometimes stop blogging?

This is hard for me to admit, but I think it's finally time I own up and say it: blogging makes me depressed. Things were going so great with Elliott and I was really looking forward to getting to know him more. He was exactly the kind of guy I want to be with. But then we had a DTR and he admitted to me that he really wanted there to be a spark between us, but he didn't feel it. I know I only went on three dates with the guy, but that was a blow. I was really, really upset. I haven't been that upset in a long time. I called my dad and broke down. All my dad could say was, "Oh, Leslie. I'm so so sorry. That hurts so much. I'm so sorry."

Hearing my father's sympathy pushed me over the edge. I realized that I was focusing so much on the idea of finding Mr. Right and getting my happily ever after. I'm surrounded by other Mormon girls who are fulfilling expectations of getting married young and starting a family, but I'm still searching for that one and everything seems to be a dead end. I know I have other things in life going for me, but it still hurts. It hurts to be rejected, especially when it's someone who seems so good.

I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I stopped blogging for a couple months because every date I went on ended up being just another first date after which he never would ask me out again. I can't even begin to explain the affect this had on my self worth. In my mind, so many first dates and no second dates translates as there being something wrong with me. My not being good enough. My being destined to live my life alone. Blogging about all my failures in dating was dragging me down, so I stopped.

Since I stopped, I've been focusing more on myself and my work and my happiness. I've been reading more, doing more yoga, and cooking more for enjoyment. I realized my job wasn't getting my anywhere and it was taking advantage of me, so I went out and found a new job. I'm starting a new job that is going to present daily challenges, but the kind of challenges that I need in order to grow and gain more confidence.

I'm getting my ducks in a row. I got a cat and I love him, but that doesn't mean I've resigned myself to being a crazy cat lady (despite whatever I might have tweeted.)

The story is for another post, but I've met someone. His name is Braden and he makes me so happy. You'll hear about him soon.