Flirting. We all do it, it's enjoyable, it's playful, it's fun. But what is it? Why do we do it? What does it mean?
My personal definition of flirting is it's a slightly sensual, inviting, teasing way of interacting. The dictionary says flirting is "to play at love." It's lighthearted, sometimes serious, sometimes innocent fun. Flirting is one of the main ways men and women can interact and introduce the possibility of something bigger blossoming. It's hard not to flirt with someone you're into. It's a way to show that person that you are fun, interesting, and clever. I like to think of myself as a master flirt, since I've had ample time and boys to practice. It's an art form, really. It's all about the subtle moves and the subtext underlying the words you use. Once you've master the two individually, the combination of a movement and a simple comment that could mean so much can do a lot to a guy (Or a girl, whichever.)
There's this guy, Chase, with whom I'm good friends. He served in the same mission as Aiden. While Chase was on his mission, his family moved into my stake, so now he's in the same YSA ward as me and Aiden. We hang out on the weekends with big groups (Chase works a summer job about 2 hours south of here, but comes home on the weekends) and it's awesome. He's not the kind of guy you'd see and think, "Oh dang! That is one great looking dude! I want him NOW!" Don't get me wrong, he's attractive, but he's not drop dead gorgeous. He's tall (like, really tall), dark hair, pretty hazel eyes, but he's a little awkward looking. I think that's why I'm attracted to him; I like the awkward boys. Chase is hilarious. I enjoy a good banter and Chase is a good banterer, I could talk to him endlessly. I think it's his wit that makes him that way. Whatever it is, there's something simply irresistible about this guy.
Last weekend Chase came over to my house and we sat in my room on my bed (with the door propped open, my parents were home) and talked. He told me all his woman woes, which are many. He's got chicks throwing themselves at him right and left and he doesn't know how to field them away. He likes this girl who lives in his hometown, a couple states away. She's just barely 18 and his best friend's younger sister, so he's feeling a little hesitant, but he really digs her. I'm the cool platonic girlfriend, so he can tell me all these things and feel like we're on safe ground, stuck in the friend zone. In fact, Chase wants me to act as his secretary of dating so I can help him get rid of all the unworthy girls and send all the hot ones on to him. I'm flatter that he would trust me that way, but his shallowness is ridiculous. He's got a type: tall, skinny, leggy, cheerleader girls. I'm not tall, not a cheerleader type, I've got killer legs, but they're shot,and I'm not the skinniest (I'm not overweight, but I'm not rail thin.) So the friend zone. I'm stuck there, probably for awhile.
Where's the correlation between flirting and Chase? We flirt a lot. It goes right along with the banter that goes on. We joke around that we're almost dating and he calls me Babe all the time. It's supposed to be a strategy to get girls who he doesn't want to like him to think he's unavailable, but I think I'm enjoying it way too much. With the whole Tyson thing fresh in my mind, having something fun to throw my attention into is such a relief. I like being able to take my mind off of something so negative that makes me feel like crap and focus on something that's fun and lighthearted and doesn't really call for much effort or commitment.
In short, I like flirting with Chase. I like pretending to be his almost girlfriend, but not having to be committed. I like not having to think about Tyson all the time. We'll have to wait and see what happens, though. Chase and I will both be going on to BYUI in the Fall, so we'll see if I can progress out of the friend zone.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Let's get real for a moment
It's time to leave all the silly make out stories aside for a moment while I get serious and explain the Tyson thing. This is something that rocked me to the core, I try to avoid talking about it. However, I feel like it's kind of a necessity for me to get this out there so you can sort of understand a little bit about me and what I've been through and why I act the way I do.
Tyson and I met almost four years ago at a party. We became friends through a mutual friend and started talking a lot. I was dating a guy at the time but we were living in different states, which made the relationship really hard to maintain. As I started talking to Tyson more, I began to realize more and more that my boyfriend, Joe, really wasn't someone with a personality substantial enough to keep me interested. He was kind of bland and effeminate and he never wanted to talk about anything serious. Our conversations mostly hovered around what we did that day and how much we missed each other. Whenever I'd bring up something serious, he'd ignore it. It hurt because I feel like I should be able to talk about serious things that weigh on my mind with my boyfriend. Because, when it all comes down to it, dating is just practice for marriage, and I want to marry someone I can communicate with.
Tyson showed me how it felt to have someone to trust in. Because of this eye opening friendship, I ended my relationship with Joe (after giving it a chance once we were living in the same town again...it just didn't work.) Tyson lead me to believe that it's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable. We would stay up until 4 in the morning talking about things that we hoped for, things that we feared, and things that we believed in. He was sarcastic and witty and hesitant to open up to me...but he did. We quickly became best friends. While I lived at home, we spent nearly every night together going bowling or watching movies. When I was at school, there was hardly a moment we weren't texting each other. To this day, I don't know how I survived that Summer on so little sleep. I think my normal bed time was somewhere between 3am and 5am. I've never felt so connected to another person. He was my soul mate, I was sure of it.
We never had a really physically relationship, mostly because I was away at school most of the time we talked a ton. I did, however, take a trip home for memorial day. That was probably one of the best weekends of my life. We watched movies, snuggled, went to a baseball game, kissed... It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Aside from that, the only other time we kissed was the night before he left on his mission. We watched Harry Potter 4, held hands, and then kissed goodbye. He gave me a framed photo of the two of us. Now, he gave a couple other girls photos, too, including an ex girlfriend. I was hurt and jealous and distraught, but it didn't really matter that much because he only kissed me and I had two years for him to forget about the other girls.
Despite all that, I kept that photo of the two of us out where I could see it every day for the two years he was gone. I wrote him letters that were pages and pages, just telling him about my roommates and classes and family and work. I wrote him about my testimony and how impressed I was with his growth while on the mission. He wrote to me about the experiences he had, people he taught, how he grew closer to his companions. When he bore his testimony in his letters, I felt the Spirit so strong. His letters were the bright light for me in a very long, lonely two years. I copied almost every single one into my journal. I kind of love letters.
Tyson came home from his mission in January. I was so anxious and nervous about seeing him, I was literally shaking when I went over to his house to see him for the first time. He walked me to my car after a night of games with his family and I felt wobbly, with weak knees. It was so surreal to be with him again, after two years of not seeing him. I couldn't catch my breath. When we hugged it was awkward, but I never wanted it to end. But he was home and we had plenty of time to spend together. The other two girls he gave photos to? They were history to me. One was married with a child, one was at school in Utah. Tyson was mine to enjoy.
We watched movies, went to parties, spent nights playing games with his family. I spent a weekend at home alone and he talked on the phone with me at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep because I was spooked. He invited me out to watch his basketball practices and we sat together at institute every week. That is, until the weekend before his birthday when he went awol. His responses to texts were evasive and brief. We had planned to get together, but it didn't happen because he just never followed up with the plans. On Monday he told me that we'd talk after the institute devotional the next day. After he spoke about his mission, he sat me down outside (I was super nervous) and he told me that his friend that was going to school in Utah had come into town that weekend and he spent all his time with her. He said, "I thought I should be the one to tell you in person that she and I are together."
I didn't have much to say. I had prepared myself for him to not come home and sweep me off my feet, but it still stung. I cried and said, "Well that sucks. I'm happy that you're happy with her, but it still kind of sucks to lose." After awhile of silence I said, "I have to go, why don't you call me when you feel like talking." and I left without looking at him. I went home and cried to my mom.I was disappointed, but it wasn't really the end of the world. I can't win everything.
But really, I can't win at all. A couple weeks later Tyson called me up after I called him out on ignoring me. He told me a lot of things, including that he doesn't feel like we have any sort of friendship unless we're flirting. He said, "I think the hole in your life where I was is much bigger than the hole in mine where you were. Because there's not really a hole. I don't miss you. I don't feel like I need you in my life." At first I was devastated, but then I started feeling angry. I was crying silently the whole conversation, but I was pissed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was Tyson, my Tyson. The one I'd shared some of the most wonderful experiences of my life with, and he was acting as if I meant nothing to him. He told me he felt like he could never fully trust me, never fully let me in. And then he had the balls to tell me he felt like he owed it to me to try and be friends anyway. That was my breaking point. I pretty much told him I don't want his pity friendship and hung up. And that was that. No more Leslie and Tyson. No more letters, no more ball games, no more movie nights. No more text messages, phone calls, or sitting together at events. I've never felt so empty in my entire life.
Thinking about Tyson and how elated he made me feel just heightens the anger I feel about the way he treated me. I'm devastated to think that I wasted so much time thinking about him and avoiding other relationships because of him. I almost feel like he ruined me. He used me and tossed me aside without warning. I want to vomit. I hate him.
Tyson and I met almost four years ago at a party. We became friends through a mutual friend and started talking a lot. I was dating a guy at the time but we were living in different states, which made the relationship really hard to maintain. As I started talking to Tyson more, I began to realize more and more that my boyfriend, Joe, really wasn't someone with a personality substantial enough to keep me interested. He was kind of bland and effeminate and he never wanted to talk about anything serious. Our conversations mostly hovered around what we did that day and how much we missed each other. Whenever I'd bring up something serious, he'd ignore it. It hurt because I feel like I should be able to talk about serious things that weigh on my mind with my boyfriend. Because, when it all comes down to it, dating is just practice for marriage, and I want to marry someone I can communicate with.
Tyson showed me how it felt to have someone to trust in. Because of this eye opening friendship, I ended my relationship with Joe (after giving it a chance once we were living in the same town again...it just didn't work.) Tyson lead me to believe that it's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable. We would stay up until 4 in the morning talking about things that we hoped for, things that we feared, and things that we believed in. He was sarcastic and witty and hesitant to open up to me...but he did. We quickly became best friends. While I lived at home, we spent nearly every night together going bowling or watching movies. When I was at school, there was hardly a moment we weren't texting each other. To this day, I don't know how I survived that Summer on so little sleep. I think my normal bed time was somewhere between 3am and 5am. I've never felt so connected to another person. He was my soul mate, I was sure of it.
We never had a really physically relationship, mostly because I was away at school most of the time we talked a ton. I did, however, take a trip home for memorial day. That was probably one of the best weekends of my life. We watched movies, snuggled, went to a baseball game, kissed... It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Aside from that, the only other time we kissed was the night before he left on his mission. We watched Harry Potter 4, held hands, and then kissed goodbye. He gave me a framed photo of the two of us. Now, he gave a couple other girls photos, too, including an ex girlfriend. I was hurt and jealous and distraught, but it didn't really matter that much because he only kissed me and I had two years for him to forget about the other girls.
Despite all that, I kept that photo of the two of us out where I could see it every day for the two years he was gone. I wrote him letters that were pages and pages, just telling him about my roommates and classes and family and work. I wrote him about my testimony and how impressed I was with his growth while on the mission. He wrote to me about the experiences he had, people he taught, how he grew closer to his companions. When he bore his testimony in his letters, I felt the Spirit so strong. His letters were the bright light for me in a very long, lonely two years. I copied almost every single one into my journal. I kind of love letters.
Tyson came home from his mission in January. I was so anxious and nervous about seeing him, I was literally shaking when I went over to his house to see him for the first time. He walked me to my car after a night of games with his family and I felt wobbly, with weak knees. It was so surreal to be with him again, after two years of not seeing him. I couldn't catch my breath. When we hugged it was awkward, but I never wanted it to end. But he was home and we had plenty of time to spend together. The other two girls he gave photos to? They were history to me. One was married with a child, one was at school in Utah. Tyson was mine to enjoy.
We watched movies, went to parties, spent nights playing games with his family. I spent a weekend at home alone and he talked on the phone with me at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep because I was spooked. He invited me out to watch his basketball practices and we sat together at institute every week. That is, until the weekend before his birthday when he went awol. His responses to texts were evasive and brief. We had planned to get together, but it didn't happen because he just never followed up with the plans. On Monday he told me that we'd talk after the institute devotional the next day. After he spoke about his mission, he sat me down outside (I was super nervous) and he told me that his friend that was going to school in Utah had come into town that weekend and he spent all his time with her. He said, "I thought I should be the one to tell you in person that she and I are together."
I didn't have much to say. I had prepared myself for him to not come home and sweep me off my feet, but it still stung. I cried and said, "Well that sucks. I'm happy that you're happy with her, but it still kind of sucks to lose." After awhile of silence I said, "I have to go, why don't you call me when you feel like talking." and I left without looking at him. I went home and cried to my mom.I was disappointed, but it wasn't really the end of the world. I can't win everything.
But really, I can't win at all. A couple weeks later Tyson called me up after I called him out on ignoring me. He told me a lot of things, including that he doesn't feel like we have any sort of friendship unless we're flirting. He said, "I think the hole in your life where I was is much bigger than the hole in mine where you were. Because there's not really a hole. I don't miss you. I don't feel like I need you in my life." At first I was devastated, but then I started feeling angry. I was crying silently the whole conversation, but I was pissed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was Tyson, my Tyson. The one I'd shared some of the most wonderful experiences of my life with, and he was acting as if I meant nothing to him. He told me he felt like he could never fully trust me, never fully let me in. And then he had the balls to tell me he felt like he owed it to me to try and be friends anyway. That was my breaking point. I pretty much told him I don't want his pity friendship and hung up. And that was that. No more Leslie and Tyson. No more letters, no more ball games, no more movie nights. No more text messages, phone calls, or sitting together at events. I've never felt so empty in my entire life.
Thinking about Tyson and how elated he made me feel just heightens the anger I feel about the way he treated me. I'm devastated to think that I wasted so much time thinking about him and avoiding other relationships because of him. I almost feel like he ruined me. He used me and tossed me aside without warning. I want to vomit. I hate him.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
AWOL
It's been over a month since I posted. In short, my social like exploded and swallowed me whole. It hasn't quite spit me back out, but I've come up for a breather. Here's a recap of the men in my life:
Tyson: Still a dick, still ignores me at institute/multi stake events. His sister told me that it might be time to start being friends again. She doesn't know what went down between us. Eventually I'll explain to her (and to you) but right now I'm still brooding over it and would rather leave the subject untouched.
Frank: He's a pansy. A super cute, awkward, totally Mormon pansy. He doesn't have the guts to ask me (or that skank he was blatantly flirting with) out on a date. Instead, I have to hang around him all the time at Aiden's house all the time. It sucks. I can't ever win over the guy I actually am interested in. I think I'm doomed to always be stuck in the friend zone. Eff my freaking life. Whatever, Frank can have his popular pretty girl, even though her eyes are oddly close together and her face looks kind of droopy when she smiles.
Daniel: We went awhile without really talking, then we started talking again and he got all horny. If he hadn't busted his knee, resulting in his being confined to his bed all summer, we'd make out again. I'm really not enjoying this dry spell.
Over all, I can't wait for Summer to end. I'm moving to Idaho and I'm probably most excited to have a whole new dating pool. Living at my parents house, seeing all the same guys I've been seeing for the past couple years in my ward sucks. The boys just suck. They don't take me on dates, they don't take anyone on dates. What's up with that? YOU GUYS SUCK.
Tyson: Still a dick, still ignores me at institute/multi stake events. His sister told me that it might be time to start being friends again. She doesn't know what went down between us. Eventually I'll explain to her (and to you) but right now I'm still brooding over it and would rather leave the subject untouched.
Frank: He's a pansy. A super cute, awkward, totally Mormon pansy. He doesn't have the guts to ask me (or that skank he was blatantly flirting with) out on a date. Instead, I have to hang around him all the time at Aiden's house all the time. It sucks. I can't ever win over the guy I actually am interested in. I think I'm doomed to always be stuck in the friend zone. Eff my freaking life. Whatever, Frank can have his popular pretty girl, even though her eyes are oddly close together and her face looks kind of droopy when she smiles.
Daniel: We went awhile without really talking, then we started talking again and he got all horny. If he hadn't busted his knee, resulting in his being confined to his bed all summer, we'd make out again. I'm really not enjoying this dry spell.
Over all, I can't wait for Summer to end. I'm moving to Idaho and I'm probably most excited to have a whole new dating pool. Living at my parents house, seeing all the same guys I've been seeing for the past couple years in my ward sucks. The boys just suck. They don't take me on dates, they don't take anyone on dates. What's up with that? YOU GUYS SUCK.
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